Out Of Control

I'm in a bit of a slump right now.  Maybe not a slump, but definitely at a frustrating plateau.  I'm stuck just short of the 30 pound mark.  But, I think I've figured out why... I'm now 1/2 pound away from the weight I was when I left Weight Watchers.  Right before I gained it all back.  So, I think I have a bit of a mental block with that particular number.

After a few weeks of frustration, I finally talked to my trainer about it.  (At the point I talked to him, I was actually 1 pound away...) Anyway, his first question, of course, was how was I eating.  I'm eating fairly well.  He wanted to know if I was writing things down.  I told him that I'm tracking it online.  So, the next question was "Can I take a look at it?"  My answer was "no".  I trust him to talk to him about a lot of stuff, but I'm still a little uneasy about laying it all out there to be judged.  I should add that my head knows that he won't judge me, but my ego isn't quite sure yet.  Luckily, he knows me well enough to know that this wasn't something that could be pushed, so he dropped it.  Since I was definitely frustrated, and quite frankly, pissed off, we headed to the punching bag so I could work off my anger.

Fast forward a few days and I mention that I'm still 1/2 pound away from 30 pounds.  I didn't understand why at first, but he asked me how often I was weighing myself.  I just said that I did it way more than I should.  So, between training sessions, my homework was to put my scale in the closet and not step on it until our next session.  It's only 3 days, but I have to tell you, it feels like
an eternity.

The thinking is that I'm driving myself crazy stepping on the scale as much as I do.  I know I shouldn't, but I do.   I want to see the change in the number.  Good or bad, I want to know exactly how I'm doing all the time.  If I'm up even 1/4 pound, I want to be able to fix it.  I need to know every morning that I'm still on track.  I need to be rewarded every morning for having a good day the day before.  And, he's right, I was driving myself absolutely crazy!  But, without my scale, I feel like I have no control.  I feel like if I wait a few days, I won't be able to "right the ship".  So, to compensate for having no idea where I am right now, I've been adding extra cardio to my workout.  I figure that since I don't know if I broke that 30 pound mark or not, I'm going to do some extra work to make sure I do.  Truth be told, that was probably part of his plan.

However, tomorrow is the day.  I'm pulling that bad boy out of my closet before I go to bed tonight, so I can hop on tomorrow morning to see how I've done.  But, from what I've learned about myself over the past few days, I think it's going right back in the closet after that!

Week In Review

I have really been slacking on my posts lately.  I do promise to try and be better about it!  Anyway, I'm down another pound this week and slowly but surely inching my way to the 30 pound mark.  I'm super excited!

I feel like I need to explain a little about why I'm not blogging nearly as much.  It's a good reason, actually.  This blog started out as a way for me to vent.  A way for me to share my struggles and work through them.  A way for me to vocalize the insecurities I was having.  However, I'm not going through that anymore.  I'm not blogging as much because, for the first time in my life, I get it.

I'm no longer focused on losing a certain amount, I am focused on being healthy.  I'm no longer focused on being thin, I'm focused on being fit and strong.  I'm no longer struggling with insecurities with my trainer.   I no longer stress about having a bad day.  I'm just in a really good place right now and I don't need to vent any more.  I'll still be writing here from time to time, but for now, it's kind of served its purpose.  It was a great tool for me in the beginning, but I'm just not the person I was in the beginning.  And for that, I'm super excited, too!