The Jig is Up

I'm a pretty tough chick. At least that's the image that I like to portray. As far as my training sessions go, I can be a machine. It's amazing what you can do when someone's watching you and you don't want them to think you're weak. I'll squat, lunge, dead lift, push up, dip, whatever, until he tells me to stop. And I don't complain. I might make a smart ass comment here and there to keep things light, but I will still do the work. This has worked well for the last 6 weeks. But, the jig is now up. This morning my trainer wanted me to try something that really made me nervous. Quite honestly, I was scared to death. (Let me back up and mention that I hurt my back when I was 20. I slipped a disc and was down for a few weeks. Most painful thing I've ever been through, including childbirth! Needless to say, I am now super careful about what I do because I have no intention of injuring my back again.) Back to this morning... He wanted me to use the kettle bells and swing one up over my head and then back down. Right away I told him that I was really nervous about this. I had horrible visions of me doing it wrong and my back getting out of whack. He showed me how to do it properly, started me on a small weight (10 pounds) and I tried on my own. It actually didn't go that terribly. It was difficult, but I had the hang of it and my back seemed to be fine. He was happy with my form, so he gave me the weight that he wanted me to have. I got it over my head once and freaked out on the way down. I told him that it was too heavy and I put the weight on the floor. He was fine with that and told me that I could work my way up to those and we moved on to something else. Maybe I should rephrase that, He moved on to something else. My head was still very much on that exercise. I'm doing my dead lifts, but was thinking about what had just happened. It wasn't so much the fact that I couldn't (or didn't want to) do them. In fact, I actually really wanted to try them again with the 10 pound weight, but he didn't think that was a good idea. My issue was the fact that I didn't look like a tough chick anymore. I let something get the best of me. Now, in my head I know that I made the right decision. I know that it was smart for me to stop before I hurt myself. I wouldn't be doing anyone any good if I were laid up for several weeks again. So, I really do believe I did the right thing. My ego on the other hand, that took a serious hit. For the last 6 weeks, I've had a nice wall up. I was tough, I was strong, and my trainer was still trying to figure me out. For what it was worth, I felt like I had the upper hand. But today forced me to let down the wall and I wasn't ready for that. I still wanted to portray the "Superwoman" image that I had been showing. Instead, a very different, vulnerable me came through and that's something that rarely happens. Very few people see that side of me, and that's exactly the way I wanted it. I show people exactly what I want them to see and nothing else. Today, some honest, true feelings came out and I'm not sure how I feel about it...