What a Difference a Year Makes

I know I've lost weight.  I know my body is changing.  But, there's something about seeing a "before" and "after" picture that really drives the point home.

Our family rents out the same cabin year after year, so there's plenty of opportunity to take pictures in the same location year after year.  This past week, we went on our vacation and hit a local spot that we hit most every time we go.  We did it last year as well and my sister took a picture of me climbing up a ridiculous amount of stairs.  It's a cheesy shot with my arms up in the air.  So this year, I decided to have her take a new and improved version of the same picture.  Here I am last year...

And here I am this year...

Like I said, it's cheesy, yes.  But, it sure is nice to see some results.  I can't wait to see what next year's version of this picture looks like!

Wear It Like You Mean It

My 20 year class reunion was this past Saturday.  The date was written at the top of my training folder and it was the major thing I'd been working towards for months.  About 3 months ago I bought a super cute dress that I planned to wear for the evening.  It fit when I tried it on at the store, so I was confident that it would look fabulous by the time the reunion rolled around.  So, 9 weeks before the day I took a picture of myself in my dress to document the "transformation".  I used quotes for that word because I didn't see much of a transformation at all.  In fact, the day before the reunion I had my husband take a picture again and I was pretty bummed.  I compared it to the picture 9 weeks before and I didn't see any changes.  So, despite the fact that I'd bought this dress and paid to have it altered in my "upper region", I had pretty much talked myself out of wearing it.

I have another cute dress that I've worn to a few weddings.  It's sleeveless, like the reunion dress, but it's in a larger size.  I'm more comfortable wearing that dress.  My reunion dress actually fit.  Around the mid section there was no wiggle room.  In the alternate dress, I had room to move.  I felt like I would have been much more comfortable in the second dress.  So, I told my husband that I had changed my mind and was going with the other dress.  He wasn't overly thrilled with that fact, but ultimately he knew I was going to do what made me comfortable, so he didn't say much.  He did tell me one last time that the first dress looked good.

The morning of the reunion comes and I head to the gym to squeeze in a little more cardio and boxing before I pamper myself with a pedicure and new shoes.  It just so happens that morning my trainer had some "a ha" moments about me.  He was training another client who was just starting over after having a baby.  He had worked with her for a long time and, in fact, hers was one of the sessions I observed before I ever decided to work with him.  Her and I are a lot alike and I would ask about her periodically during my sessions and vice versa.  So, the two of us have kind of been lumped together from the beginning.  Me being the one striving to get to where she was.  All that to say that Saturday, he realized that I had gotten there.  I'm now doing things that she was doing when I started.  Working with her again, watching her have to start over, reminded him of where I started as well.  You kind of forget that stuff when you're so far removed from it.  Anyway, he gave me quite the ego boost telling me how much stronger I am now and I left the gym feeling really good.  With that new found confidence, I decided to wear the dress.

I texted a friend of mine as I was getting ready and I told her that I'd almost talked myself out of it.  However, I was standing a little taller and a little more proud, so I decided to wear it anyway.  I had been working my ass off to wear that dress and darn it, I was going to wear it.  Her words back to me were "Damn right you are and you're going to wear it like you mean it!".  So I did.  Even if I didn't see a huge transformation from the day I took the first picture to the day of the reunion, I still knew a transformation had taken place.  When I put that dress on, I definitely meant it!

Revelations

I was thinking again about the post I wrote yesterday and how disappointed I was in my results.  That also got me thinking about how disappointed I was in the way I handled it.  Actually, I'm not sure which was more upsetting to me.

Typically, I'm the type of person that doesn't show much emotion.  If something is bothering me, I do a pretty good job of covering it up and dealing with it in my own way.  So, the fact that I let my guard down and showed how disappointed I was, really got me thinking.  That's when the revelation hit.

When you continue to do what you've always done, you'll continue to get what you've always gotten.  It's something that my WW leader repeated time and time again, but it's the first thing that came to my mind. If I would have done what I've always done, I would have just gritted my teeth and walked out without him knowing I was upset. But if I did that, he wouldn't have had the chance to explain to me what everything meant and subsequently explained why the results were actually better than they looked. If I would have done what I've always done, I wouldn't have voiced my disappointment. I might have gone home, frustrated, and eaten my way to the bottom of a carton of ice cream. But if I did that, I would have hated myself for doing it.

So, in that moment of weakness when I let my feelings show, some good came from it.  I now realize that maybe that's one of the things that I need to stop doing.  Keeping things inside leads me to eat.  Letting things out causes me to feel those feelings and deal with them without food.  I never thought I was that kind of eater, but I think maybe I am.

This lengthy journey has been full of ups and downs, that's for sure.  Along the way I'm learning a lot about myself.  It's been an interesting ride to say the least, and I know it's not over yet. Who knows what other little nuggets about myself
I'll uncover!

Trusting The Process

I had a very humbling experience on Friday morning.  After talking to my trainer Thursday about the fact that I'm ready to just be done with losing weight, we had a very long discussion.  I'll spare the details, but the main point was that I need to stop focusing so much on the actual weight going down and I need to focus more on the process.  Keep eating well and training hard and let the weight take care of itself in time.  As I'm still about 15 pounds away from where I want to be, he thought now would be a good time to do another body composition analysis to see where I am.  So, first thing Friday morning we met in the fitness office.

He took my weight and plugged it into the computer.  I happened to take a glance at the screen where I saw the number 28.  28% body fat was the absolute top of the ideal range for my height and weight.  So, when he's doing the body composition test, I'm really hoping to see better than a 28.  I'm not sharing the actual number because I'm not happy with it.  But, suffice it to say it was higher than 28 and not at all where I wanted it to be.

In all fairness, my BMI was lower than the first body composition I had done when I joined the gym 3 years ago.  But, I hadn't made nearly the progress that I thought I should have.  Evidently, my water levels were lower with this test than with the first one, so that actually affected the number as well.  He explained (promised, and even guaranteed) that if my water was where it should have been, my number would have been at least 3% lower than where it was.  He was actually very happy with my progress.  Me on the other hand, not so much.

I know he was explaining things to me, but I wasn't hearing most of it.  My entire focus was on the fact that I hadn't made as much progress as I thought I should have.  I completely shut out everything he was telling me.  God bless him because he really was trying to assure me that my progress was good.  Unfortunately, the only thing on my mind at that point was the fact that 28% was my optimum number and I wasn't there.  Luckily there was one thing he told me that actually stuck with me.  Yes, my number was slightly higher than the 28%, but I'm not done yet.  He then left me with one piece of "homework".

About a week ago, someone took a picture of me from behind.  They tagged me in the picture, but I wasn't sure it was even me.  If it weren't for the fact that I recognized the jeans, I wouldn't have believed it was me. I obviously don't look at my backside very often, but it didn't look at all how I remembered.  Anyway, I mentioned this to him because, at the time, I was super excited about it.  So, my homework was to print up that picture and keep it with me.  I'm to use it as a reminder that while my "numbers" aren't exactly where I want them to be, I'm definitely making progress.  My body is definitely changing.  So, as we speak, the picture has been downloaded on my phone.

As I mentioned, this all happened Friday.  Saturday morning, everything he was telling me finally sunk in.  I'm not done.  There's a reason why my numbers aren't ideal.  I still have work to do.  I'm still a work in progress.  I need to continue to eat good, train hard, and let the rest take care of itself.  I'm gonna just hang in there and trust the process.

Making Goals

When I first started working the a trainer 9 months ago, I had one goal in mind... to look better in my bridesmaids dress.  Sometime around February or March, I set another goal... to look better for my high school reunion than I did when I graduated 20 years ago.  With that day quickly approaching, I find myself setting another goal... I just want to be done.

I want to get out of weight loss mode.  I've been here for way too many years. With the exception of the 17 months that I was pregnant, I've been trying to lose weight since the mid 1990's.  That's a long time.  In fact, I'm not even sure I know how to NOT lose weight. I guess that's a bridge I'll cross when I get to it.  If I get to it.  Although I'm much closer than I was when I started, I still feel like the finish line is far, far away.

As far away as it may be, I'm still going to set a goal for it.  So here goes... My new goal is to be at 150 pounds by the end of the year.  January 1st, 2013 is 30 weeks from today.  Even at the snail's pace that I seem to lose weight, I think it's doable. Depending on the day, I'm 15 pounds away from that right now, so that translates to 1/2 pound a week.  It sounds like it should be a piece of cake, but I know myself.  I still don't have it all together, so even a half pound a week, consistently, is going to be a struggle for me.  But, it's a goal that I'm going to aim for nonetheless.  Wish me luck!