This

"Every stoplight I didn't make
Every chance I did or I didn't take
All the nights I went too far
All the girls that broke my heart
All the doors that I had to close
All the things I knew but I didn't know
Thank God for all I missed
Cause it led me here to this"

~This  (Written by Darius Rucker)

I've liked this song since the first time I heard it.  It rings so true.  You go through different seasons and events in your life and they end up leading you to where you are at the moment.  I always thought about this song in terms of past relationships etc., but I heard it again today and it took on a different meaning.   It was something that my trainer mentioned when we had our heart to heart a few days ago.  He said that if I hadn't been laughed at, and quit as a result, I wouldn't have been where I was right now. And he was absolutely right.

It actually was a series of events that led me to where I am right now.  It did start with that meeting though.  From that point on, I wasn't happy there.  So I decided that instead of spending my money on WW and not losing weight, I would spend it on a gym membership.  My first choice was a Fit Zone here in town.  I was pretty excited about it because, not only did it have weight equipment, it had some free to member classes.  Plus, it was just for women, so I figured I'd feel comfortable there.  The initial sign-up fee was a little large and the 2 year contract was bit of a sticking point, but nonetheless I decided to sign on the dotted line and join.  The day I went to Fit Zone to sign my contract, they closed their doors.  Permanently.  There was literally a sign on the door that said they were closed.  If you looked in the window, all the equipment was gone.  So, I went home and called the gym  where I currently have a membership.

I knew that on the day of my orientation I would have to be weighed, have my body fat analysis done, and have my fitness level judged.  I was secretly hoping for an older, overweight woman to do my orientation.  What I got was a fit, 27 year old guy.  That guy became a familiar face when I went to the gym and then that guy went on to become my trainer two years later.  And this whole process of cleaning out my closet, tackling my demons, and dealing with the weight from the inside, started. 

So, while I hate having to re-live past experiences, they all played a part in getting me to where I am now.  And where I am now is finally dealing with the things that have held me down for years.  

"...All the things I knew but I didn't know. Thank God for all I missed, Cause it led me here to this."

Walking Away

It's amazing to me how one little thing can instantly put you back into a painful memory.  It doesn't take much.  Sometimes it's a song, sometimes it's an action, and sometimes it's seeing someone.  Today it happened in my rowing class.

I walk up to grab my rower this morning and I saw a familiar face.  Not a good familiar, but familiar nonetheless.  I recognized this woman from my Weight Watchers group.  Hers is a face I won't forget.  As you might recall, I shared about how one of my last WW meetings went.  I was laughed at and my struggles were completely dismissed because I was young.  In case you don't remember, you can read about it here.

Anyway, this familiar face in my rowing class this morning was also at my Weight Watcher meeting that day. As soon as I saw her my blood boiled.  I was instantly taken back to that day and how humiliated I felt.  As I was rowing I was choking back tears.  And all it took was seeing her.  I can't say for sure if she was one of the voices I heard that day, because I was in the front of the room and all the cackling was coming from behind me.  If she did or she didn't, she was there.

So, what started out as my normal Friday routine, turned into an unwanted trip down memory lane. As a friend pointed out to me, these feelings are resurfacing now because I didn't deal with them then.  I didn't want to deal with them then because I didn't know how to deal with them then.  Walking out of that meeting and never going back was how I dealt with it. Truth be told, what I really wanted to do during my rowing class is get up and walk away.  I wanted to handle it today the same way I handled it then...  Walk away and cry.

But, I didn't.  I continued rowing.  I'm still trying to figure out how to work through this.  I'm still figuring out what to do with these feelings.  I'm sure that eventually I'll understand what I was supposed to learn from this situation.  I'm sure that seeing her today, and reliving that uncomfortable memory, will somehow make me stronger.  At the very least it's forcing me to deal with something that I don't want to deal with.  Wish me luck.  

Non Scale Victory

I'm one week down in my No-Scale September.  I've had a time or two when I really wanted to check and see how I was doing.  But, I didn't.  It is still a temptation that I have to fight, but every day it's getting easier.  I'm guessing that by the end of the month it won't bother me at all.  At least that's what I'm hoping!

Anyway, without the scale, I've had to rely on other ways to measure my progress.  I'm currently comfortable in a size 12.  So, just for kicks I decided to try on an old pair of size 10 jeans.  There was a lot of grunting, pushing, shoving, wiggling, jiggling, and sweating... but I got them zipped up!  It wasn't pretty and it about cut off my circulation, but they were zipped nonetheless!  I'll be interested to put them on again at the end of the month and see if I struggle a little bit less.  Here's hoping!

Ditching The Scale

I think I'm on the verge of a breakthrough. Or maybe it's already happened, I don't know.  What I do know is that I'm ditching my scale.  For at least a month, maybe forever, we'll see.  Stepping on it day in and day out is making me crazy.  And, if I'm being honest, I'm stepping on it multiple times a day.  It's ridiculous and it's got to stop.

Not only is it driving me crazy, I know it's not telling me the whole story.  On top of that, it's making me freak out about things that I shouldn't freak out about.  Let me explain...

It's driving me crazy... because it's driving me crazy!  My OCD forces me to step on the stupid thing every time I see it.  So, if I can't see it, I can't step on it. Problem one solved.

It's not telling me the whole story.  Clearly, the scale can only reflect a number.  It can't reflect how hard I'm working.  It can't reflect how my body is changing.  It can't reflect the muscle I'm building.  I can't allow myself to get hung up on a number any longer.  So, if I can't see the number I can't get hung up on it. Problem two solved.

I'm freaking out about things I shouldn't freak out about.  This one's a little harder to explain.  I'm starting to really stress out about the future.  When I reach my goal I feel like I won't be able to justify working with my trainer anymore.  As much as I rely on him to guide me and help me through some of the emotional baggage I'm dealing with, I genuinely enjoy working with him.  I look forward to my sessions.  After a year, we get along well and the sessions are as much fun as they are work.  I'm not ready to give that up just because I reach a certain number.  So, if I stop focusing on the scale and reaching an ultimate "number" goal, I can start to focus on making this a forever lifestyle change, which will include fun workouts with a trainer.  Problem three solved.

So, for September, I ditch the scale.

35

I weigh 35 pounds less than I used to!  These last 5 pounds took me nearly 5 months to lose, but that's alright.  Despite the snail-like pace the weight seems to be coming off, the fact is, it's coming off.  I've learned to really appreciate and celebrate the non-scale victories.  I'm noticing muscles that I never had.  I'm fitting into clothes that I haven't worn in years.  The weight on my barbells is going up and so are the number of push-ups that I'm able to do.  Slow as it is, the process is working.  And, I know that I'm doing it the right way, so I'm confident that the weight will stay off.  Next stop... 40 pounds!

I'm Scared

I should be done by now.  I've been working with my trainer for 11 months.
I should be done.  Still, I look in the mirror and can quite easily see the areas where I still have weight to lose.  The problem isn't in my workouts.  I'm at the gym 5 days a week most weeks.  Some weeks I'm there 6 days.  I'm fairly confident that I'm good in that respect.  Unfortunately, this leads me to believe it's my eating.  And for whatever reason, this is an area that I'm terribly uncomfortable addressing.

I don't know why I'm so guarded about it though.  Probably because, deep down, I know that's where I'm screwing up, so I don't want to talk about it.  Now, I'm not eating horribly.  If I were, I'd be gaining weight, which I'm not.  But, I'm not losing any either.  I've been stuck at the same weight for quite some time now.  And, if I look back and really think about it, I know my eating is to blame.  I just can't quite figure out why. I know what to do.  It isn't rocket science.  I need to eat less calories than I burn.  Period.  However, as the day goes on, I start to care less.  No, that's not true.  I don't care less, I just don't care enough to make good choices.  I don't even know if that makes sense...

There's got to be an underlying reason.  Honestly, I think I'm scared of getting close.  Because I am close.  I'm sitting here knowing that I really only want to lose 15 more pounds.  That's not much.  But it's scary to think about being "done."  Losing weight is all I know.  My entire adult life, that's all I've ever known.  As much as I don't like it, I'm comfortable doing it because I've done it for so long.  I don't know how to be fit.  I don't know how to not focus on my weight.  I don't know how to work out just to work out.  It scares the hell out of me.

If I don't work on this last piece of the puzzle, I won't get there.  I'll stay right where I am, 15 pounds away from my goal.  But, it's safe here.  I know how to do this.  So, as long as I keep doing what I'm doing, I'm going to stay where I am.  I'm just not sure which scares me more... reaching my goal or not reaching it.

Letting Myself Go

Him: "So, do you have any more weddings or reunions to get ready for?"
Me: "Nope, I'm done with those."
Him: "Oh, OK.  Well, I hope you don't let yourself go now..."
Me: "........crickets..............."

This was a conversation that I had in my Spinning class the other day.  I really, truly, had no idea how to respond to that comment.  The only thing I could muster up was "I've got too much money invested to let myself go. I'm going to continue my training."

Now, to defend this gentleman, he's normally very quiet and very nice.  I'm sure he didn't mean it to come across the way I took it.  For the life of me, I just can't figure out why it came up at all.  But it did, and it got me thinking.

Are those the kind of "vibes" I'm sending out?  Do I come across as someone who would work that hard for a goal, then give it all up once I achieve it?  I didn't think I was, but I don't know. It's really kinda irritating because I'm not even done yet and people are worried about me giving up.  While weddings and reunions are good goal dates to work for, my ultimate goal is to lose the weight I want to lose and be the strongest, healthiest mom I can be. I'm not there yet, so my work isn't done.  As I sit here typing this, I'm sore from a workout.  I worked out with extreme focus yesterday.  As the conversation was fresh in my mind, I felt like I had something to prove.  Honestly, I'm not sure if I was proving it to him or to myself.  Either way, I can assure you that I have no intention of letting myself go.