I'm Scared

I should be done by now.  I've been working with my trainer for 11 months.
I should be done.  Still, I look in the mirror and can quite easily see the areas where I still have weight to lose.  The problem isn't in my workouts.  I'm at the gym 5 days a week most weeks.  Some weeks I'm there 6 days.  I'm fairly confident that I'm good in that respect.  Unfortunately, this leads me to believe it's my eating.  And for whatever reason, this is an area that I'm terribly uncomfortable addressing.

I don't know why I'm so guarded about it though.  Probably because, deep down, I know that's where I'm screwing up, so I don't want to talk about it.  Now, I'm not eating horribly.  If I were, I'd be gaining weight, which I'm not.  But, I'm not losing any either.  I've been stuck at the same weight for quite some time now.  And, if I look back and really think about it, I know my eating is to blame.  I just can't quite figure out why. I know what to do.  It isn't rocket science.  I need to eat less calories than I burn.  Period.  However, as the day goes on, I start to care less.  No, that's not true.  I don't care less, I just don't care enough to make good choices.  I don't even know if that makes sense...

There's got to be an underlying reason.  Honestly, I think I'm scared of getting close.  Because I am close.  I'm sitting here knowing that I really only want to lose 15 more pounds.  That's not much.  But it's scary to think about being "done."  Losing weight is all I know.  My entire adult life, that's all I've ever known.  As much as I don't like it, I'm comfortable doing it because I've done it for so long.  I don't know how to be fit.  I don't know how to not focus on my weight.  I don't know how to work out just to work out.  It scares the hell out of me.

If I don't work on this last piece of the puzzle, I won't get there.  I'll stay right where I am, 15 pounds away from my goal.  But, it's safe here.  I know how to do this.  So, as long as I keep doing what I'm doing, I'm going to stay where I am.  I'm just not sure which scares me more... reaching my goal or not reaching it.