Unchartered Territory

I had an incident happen that left me feeling a little hurt and a little judged.  I don't think it was done intentionally, it's just the way I felt.  Unfortunately, I'm left trying to figure out how to deal with it.

I really hate being compared to someone else, which is what happened.  I hate feeling like my best effort isn't good enough. And again, while I don't think it was intentional, it left me feeling sad and inadequate.  Totally my issues to sort out, but I don't know how.

Truth be told, what I really want to do is quit.  I want to stop going to this class.  I want to quit my training.  I want to leave the gym.  I want to just fade into the woodwork where I'm comfortable.  I want to "punish" the person who made me feel judged by eating everything in sight.  This is how I know to deal with things.  I run away from uncomfortable feelings.  I take myself completely out of a situation and I avoid going back.  And to some extent, it works.  Until it doesn't.

Inevitably, if I quit, I lose whatever progress I've made.  I know that I'll gain back each and every pound, and then some.  I also know that the muscles I've worked so hard to tone, will slowly fade away.  This will leave me even more upset, which will probably cause me to withdraw, and eat, even more.  So, despite everything I wanted to do, I went back to the gym.  I have my husband to thank for that because he truly had to convince me to go.

Here's where the "uncharted territory" comes in...  Because I didn't quit like I usually do, I don't exactly know where to go from here.  I don't think these feelings are going away anytime soon.  I've had nearly a lifetime of feeling this way, so it's going to take a while to un-think those thoughts.  But, it doesn't make it any easier.  Frankly, it's kind of exhausting to keep having this same fight with myself.  That's why it's so much easier to just accept that I'm not good enough and stop trying.  Stop trying to be something that I don't feel that I am.

But, like I said, I'm not going to do that.  I drug my butt to my training session this morning.  I didn't want to be there and it was very awkward as I didn't say more than 5 words to my trainer the entire time.  But, I was there nonetheless.  I kept going.  Eventually I'll work through this.  Hopefully I'll get to the point where I feel like I've done my best and stop comparing myself to other people.  Eventually.