Something To Prove

Here we go... It's a few weeks late, but here is the final picture that my gym used on their Facebook page.  I'm sure most of you reading here have seen it, but in case anyone didn't, I'll share it.

When asked what my fitness goal was, I told them that I needed to prove to myself that I could do it.  And that's still true.  I had a P.C. answer ready to go, such as doing it to be a good example for my kids. But if I'm being honest, I'm doing it for me.  I needed to do it.  I needed to build my confidence and believe that I can be a kick-ass chick that loves to workout.  I needed to prove that I could lose weight without counting points, drinking shakes, or taking pills.  I needed to work on underlying issues that led to the weight gains and low self esteem in the first place.  I had a lot of work to do.  And you know what...? I'm doing it.

Done Deal

You may remember that I mentioned a little while back that someone from the gym wanted to feature me for some gym publications. (You can read it here if you'd like.)  Well, the deed has been done! Yesterday, a photographer and marketing guy joined in on one of my training sessions and snapped pictures.  It was complete with lights, screens, light filters, the works.  It was very uncomfortable and a huge leap out of my comfort zone.  Thankfully my trainer was with me. He talked to me like he always does, which helped me take the focus off of the man on the ground snapping pictures of me.  After about an hour the photographer finished and the marketing guy asked me a simple question.  "What was your fitness goal when you started?"

So, now I wait.  The plan is for them to replace the cover photo on my gym's Facebook page.  There is currently a picture of another member (who also trains with my trainer, I might add...).  They took a big variety of pictures of me doing various things, so I'm anxious to see which one they pick.  I have no idea when they'll post it.  I guess I'll find out with the rest of the people on Facebook!

Where, Oh Where Has My Willpower Gone

...everybody sing along.  Where, oh where has my willpower gone?  Oh, where, oh where could it be? Where, oh where has my willpower gone? Bring back my willpower to me!

I'm finding that I'm having a very hard time going from tracking my calories and worrying about weight, to just making good choices and letting the weight take care of itself.  Hold on. Let me re-phrase that.  I'm not having a hard time doing it, I'm just having a hard time doing it well.

I really am trying to turn that corner.  I'm not getting so obsessed with my weight and I'm just focusing on working out and making good food decisions.  Except when I'm not.  That's where I seem to be missing the willpower I once had. The small, yet very real, 3 pound weight gain is telling me that something isn't right. When left to my own devices, I"m not doing so well. When I get more comfortable with just "trusting the process", I get more comfortable in all my other choices.  While I may think that I'm on track with my calories, etc. for the day, in reality, I don't think that I am.

There's a fine line between obsessively tracking your weight and calories, and tracking enough to stay on track.  I need to find my happy medium.  I need to get back to the eating habits of when I was losing weight, but not get back to the obsessive, constant weight checking that went along with it.  I need to get back to exercising a little more of my willpower, but not stressing over every single bite.  I know I can lose the 3 pounds I've gained. I just need to figure out how to make it happen without getting back to old habits that I've fought so hard to get past.  I guess we'll see how this goes...

...And We're Back!

I have absolutely no idea what happened to the blog to make it disappear
for a few days, but we appear to be back in business now!  So, on to the post I came to write...

I'm starting to finally realize that I'm more in shape than I give myself credit for.  Let me explain.  I'm not a runner.  I never have been.  But, long story short, I accidentally hit the "run" button on a treadmill at the gym the other day, and it wasn't horrible!  I kept up and was able to run for a little bit.  In fact, I decided that I wanted to try it again, so I hit the run button again and ran for 3 1/2 minutes.  Again, nothing major, but nothing that I normally do.  Fast forward 2 days and I'm at the gym with my son, who is doing athletic training with my trainer.  Anyway, they go off and do their thing and I workout.  I decided to try to run on the treadmill again, but I told myself I would run until I couldn't run anymore.  I ended up going a little short of a mile and a half!  To that point the farthest I'd ever run was 3/4 of a mile.  I was stoked!  So stoked, in fact, that I agreed to run a 5K with my training partner.  So now, I guess I'm training to
run a 5K!

Doing a 5K in and of itself isn't a huge thing, because I've done them before.  But, I've never RUN one before.  I've run a little/walked a little, but never run all of it.  As someone who doesn't run, that whole concept was foreign to me.  But, I'm doing it.  Slowly, but surely, I'm doing it.  That's something that I never thought I could do.  Not just that I didn't want to, I didn't think I was in shape enough to run 3.2 miles.  But now I think maybe I am!

Re-Evaluating Goals

My trainer broke my heart this morning.  Well, after he kicked my ass, that is!
As I've mentioned here once or twice... I'm still stuck.  Weight wise I haven't
done a damn thing in months.  He knows this, but I haven't dwelled on it too much.  However, the other day I started wondering if maybe my goal is unrealistic.  Maybe at my age, I'm not supposed to get down to 150 pounds.  While I still refuse to believe that my current weight and body shape are as good as it gets, maybe it's close to as good as it gets.  So, we had another conversation this morning.

The good news is that he doesn't necessarily think my goal weight is unrealistic.  The bad news is that, because of my age, It's going to really be a struggle.  Apparently, after age 35, your metabolism takes a nose dive.  Heart = broken. It's not just our imagination ladies, my trainer confirmed it! So, maybe now is the time to re-evaluate my goals.

I picked 150 pounds (my goal weight) many, many years ago.  I picked it because it's a nice round number.  Plus, I started out at 197 pounds, so I could say that I had lost almost 50 pounds.  It sounds good, right?  But, when I picked that number, I didn't know what I know now.

When I lost weight the first time it was easy, but I didn't fully appreciate why.  Now I do.  I know that #1, I lost it quickly because I was younger.  But #2, I lost it quickly because I was losing fat as well as muscle.  To look at pictures of myself after WW, I was skinny.  Now, I can say I'm more muscular, and I need to take that muscle weight into account.  If I stopped weight training and went strictly on cardio and losing "weight", I could get to 150.  But, to do that I'd lose muscle.  That's just not a trade off that I'm willing to make.

It's taken me a lot of years to get to this point, but I'm starting to truly appreciate how hard I've worked to get here.  Not just the physical work, but the mental work as well.  It's been an extremely long road.  What started off as a weight loss journey has turned into a life transformation.  Along with tackling the weight, I've had to fight demons.  I've been learning how to deal with my issues and feelings without turning to food.  I've come to love my weight training because I love to see just how much my body can do.  I love conquering things that previously scared me.  It's starting to be about something more than the weight.  That's why I think I can let go of that 150.

I'm not giving up on the idea of losing more weight.  I still want to get rid of that pesky "mom pooch" that has been with me for so long.  I still have some extra weight in my gut that needs to go.  But, I just don't think I need to get down to 150 pounds to get there.  While it would be great to say "I weigh 150 pounds" or "I've lost just under 50 pounds", I know first hand how great it feels to say "I can dead lift 160 pounds" (which I can do, thank you very much! :-) ) That's becoming more important to me than the number on the scale.

What The %$#@!

If I knew how to type out a scream, I would absolutely do it right now!  Instead I'll just have to use lots of exclamation points to prove that I'm frustrated!  Maybe frustrated isn't the right word.  Maybe it's better to say that I'm in a serious funk.  Not only have I NOT lost any weight for months, I've actually GAINED a little.  How the hell did that happen? I'm seriously about to pull my hair out!

Luckily it's been a little while since I've been in a funk like this ~ but I'm in one now ~ and I don't like it at all.  I don't like feeling the way I feel.  I don't like feeling like I'm completely wasting my time and money.  I don't like feeling like I'm never going to get to my goal weight.  I don't like feeling like all my hard work has been for nothing.  I'm at the beginning of a dangerous, self-doubting spiral, and I need to snap out of it quickly!  I already know the damage I can do when I give up.  I know that if I allow myself to continue to wallow in self-pity, I'm screwed.  So, as much as I don't want to, I know I have to keep on going.  I can't give up. I have to keep up with the workouts, maybe even switch up some things. I have to commit to being better about tracking my food. I need to just buckle down, re-focus, and keep on keeping on.

Being Flexible

I'll start with a confession... I'm the least flexible person on the planet.  No kidding. I can't touch my toes.  When stretching at the end of cardio classes, everyone else bends and stretches much more than I do. When  stretching after working with my trainer, he's literally had to pull my foot back for me so I can get a better stretch.  He's actually mentioned yoga a few times.  I've "poo-poo'ed" him every time.  Another friend of mine has asked me to try a yoga class with her.  I've politely declined.  I can't even touch my toes, I'm certainly not flexible enough to try yoga!

Well, today I finally caved.  My workout partner in crime came in to take the yoga class this morning.  I had already done a 30 minute rowing class, plus walked 40 minutes on the treadmill.  I was stretching and heading home.  She jokingly asked me to take the yoga class with her.  I laughed, told her I wasn't flexible enough, and politely declined.  She then said what everyone else has told me... "that's why you need to take yoga!"  It helps to lengthen your muscles, which aids in flexibility.

With that, I took a huge leap out of my comfort zone and agreed to take the yoga class.  I was awkward.  I didn't really know the names of the poses.  I had to use "cheater blocks" because I couldn't bend down and touch the floor.  But, I survived.  I did it.  And, knowing that I can't judge a class by only going one time, I'll most likely do it again.  I can't say that loved it or hated it, but I'm glad I did it.

A New Healthy Normal?

I've got a few things I need to get off my chest today.  To begin with, I missed another goal.  I'm not thrilled about it, but it is what it is.  I never shared it here, but I had set a goal of making it to the 40 pound mark by Jan. 14th, 2013.  I set that goal because on Jan. 14th of 2012, I hit the 25 pound mark.  It should have been no problem to lose 15 pounds in a year.  It should have been easy, but it wasn't.  It didn't happen.  This leads me to the title of the post...

I've been stuck for quite a while now.  Now, I accept the fact that we just came through the holiday season.  Between my schedule, my trainer's schedule, my being sick, kids being home from school, traveling, and my daughter getting her tonsils out over break, I didn't hit the gym nearly as hard as I wanted.  I get that.  I've kept my head above water since Thanksgiving, but that's it.  Nothing more.

I hit my 35 pound mark in August and I've yet to lose the next 5 pounds.  It's so frustrating!  Before I continue, I will admit that I know this last little bit will be harder than the rest.  I know I don't have much more to lose.  And, these last pounds have been with me for a long time.  A very long time.  But, it's frustrating none the less.

So, I took this frustration to my trainer yesterday.  We're going to be doing a little tweaking to my workout schedule, but we're not going to worry much about food right now.  It is something that will eventually need to be addressed, which I am dreading, but just not yet.  But then he told me that my body is probably at "a new healthy normal" and it's comfortable where it is.  To which I responded...
"this can't be it!"

This can't be it!  I still have the "mom pooch". I see myself naked so I know there is still weight to be lost.  I still don't have a flat stomach.  I'm still not down to the goal weight I set for myself.  I still don't see my weight loss when I look in the mirror.  This can't be it!  I haven't worked this hard and gone through this emotional roller coaster to have this be where it ends.  I refuse to accept that.

Year In Review

A Very Happy New Year to Everyone!  Seeing as though it's January 1st, this is the perfect time to reflect on the events of the past year.  To begin with, I lost 15 pounds in 2012.  Not exactly the number I was hoping for.  In fact, I wrote a post back in June where I set a goal of being down to 150 pounds by today.  I'm not there.  As of today, and a few weeks of questionable choices, I'm not even close.  While I'm a little disappointed, I can't be that upset...

Although 2012 didn't bring near the weight loss I was hoping for, the mental work that I did the past year more than makes up for it. While 2011 seemed to be the year where I learned to trust others and trust the process I was involved in, 2012 became the year in which I learned more about myself and why I do what I do.

First, I began to learn to face my demons.  If something bothered me in the past, my typical reaction was to run away or quit.  I would simply remove myself from the uncomfortable situation and not go back.  It was a method that "worked" in the sense that I didn't have to deal with the situation.  But, it didn't work because I didn't deal with the situation.  A lot of my past demons came back to haunt me over the past year.  However, this time I faced them and worked through them.  2012 also became the year of "therapy".  Since I learned to trust my trainer in 2011, I put his psychology minor to work in 2012!  I was able to acknowledge when a circumstance happened that made me want to quit.  But, instead of quitting, I talked it out.  We had a lot of heart-to-heart conversations over the course of the past year and I'm still here.  I'm still going.  I'm still training.
I'm still here.

Over the past year I also finally acknowledged that I'm truly an emotional eater.  Whenever someone or something hurt me, I was sure that I could "punish" them by eating.  Now obviously that isn't the answer.  The only one who was being punished by the eating binge was me.  But now that I've been able to acknowledge it, I can stop myself before I start.

Probably the biggest thing I've learned this past year is to just trust the process. Don't get discouraged.  The weight loss has been painfully slow, but I'm still losing weight.  Even when it feels like nothing's happening, I keep going.  That's something that I've struggled with in the past.  But, I'm not letting it defeat me anymore.  I look to 2013 with a new sense of self.  I'm starting to have a confidence that I've never had before.  I think this might finally be the year that all the pieces fall together.  I can't wait!