No-Scale September has come to an end. If I'm being honest, I caved twice over the month. But, compared to stepping on it multiple times a day, I'm pretty proud that I only pulled it out twice! Anyway, I ended up losing the 3 annoying pounds that I had put on previously. So, I'm officially back down to my 35 pound mark.
Despite my 2 moments of weakness, I think No-Scale September was a success. In fact, it was easier than I thought. Without my scale, I was able to just focus on my food and my workouts. It was actually pretty freeing. I could pay attention to how my clothes felt instead of paying attention to the scale day in and day out. I could work on other issues going on in my head instead of worrying if my weight was going up or down every day. It was nice. And, it's something I'm going to continue. For the first time in years, I'm not chained to a scale. Here's looking forward to No-Scale October!
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
Unchartered Territory
I had an incident happen that left me feeling a little hurt and a little judged. I don't think it was done intentionally, it's just the way I felt. Unfortunately, I'm left trying to figure out how to deal with it.
I really hate being compared to someone else, which is what happened. I hate feeling like my best effort isn't good enough. And again, while I don't think it was intentional, it left me feeling sad and inadequate. Totally my issues to sort out, but I don't know how.
Truth be told, what I really want to do is quit. I want to stop going to this class. I want to quit my training. I want to leave the gym. I want to just fade into the woodwork where I'm comfortable. I want to "punish" the person who made me feel judged by eating everything in sight. This is how I know to deal with things. I run away from uncomfortable feelings. I take myself completely out of a situation and I avoid going back. And to some extent, it works. Until it doesn't.
Inevitably, if I quit, I lose whatever progress I've made. I know that I'll gain back each and every pound, and then some. I also know that the muscles I've worked so hard to tone, will slowly fade away. This will leave me even more upset, which will probably cause me to withdraw, and eat, even more. So, despite everything I wanted to do, I went back to the gym. I have my husband to thank for that because he truly had to convince me to go.
Here's where the "uncharted territory" comes in... Because I didn't quit like I usually do, I don't exactly know where to go from here. I don't think these feelings are going away anytime soon. I've had nearly a lifetime of feeling this way, so it's going to take a while to un-think those thoughts. But, it doesn't make it any easier. Frankly, it's kind of exhausting to keep having this same fight with myself. That's why it's so much easier to just accept that I'm not good enough and stop trying. Stop trying to be something that I don't feel that I am.
But, like I said, I'm not going to do that. I drug my butt to my training session this morning. I didn't want to be there and it was very awkward as I didn't say more than 5 words to my trainer the entire time. But, I was there nonetheless. I kept going. Eventually I'll work through this. Hopefully I'll get to the point where I feel like I've done my best and stop comparing myself to other people. Eventually.
I really hate being compared to someone else, which is what happened. I hate feeling like my best effort isn't good enough. And again, while I don't think it was intentional, it left me feeling sad and inadequate. Totally my issues to sort out, but I don't know how.
Truth be told, what I really want to do is quit. I want to stop going to this class. I want to quit my training. I want to leave the gym. I want to just fade into the woodwork where I'm comfortable. I want to "punish" the person who made me feel judged by eating everything in sight. This is how I know to deal with things. I run away from uncomfortable feelings. I take myself completely out of a situation and I avoid going back. And to some extent, it works. Until it doesn't.
Inevitably, if I quit, I lose whatever progress I've made. I know that I'll gain back each and every pound, and then some. I also know that the muscles I've worked so hard to tone, will slowly fade away. This will leave me even more upset, which will probably cause me to withdraw, and eat, even more. So, despite everything I wanted to do, I went back to the gym. I have my husband to thank for that because he truly had to convince me to go.
Here's where the "uncharted territory" comes in... Because I didn't quit like I usually do, I don't exactly know where to go from here. I don't think these feelings are going away anytime soon. I've had nearly a lifetime of feeling this way, so it's going to take a while to un-think those thoughts. But, it doesn't make it any easier. Frankly, it's kind of exhausting to keep having this same fight with myself. That's why it's so much easier to just accept that I'm not good enough and stop trying. Stop trying to be something that I don't feel that I am.
But, like I said, I'm not going to do that. I drug my butt to my training session this morning. I didn't want to be there and it was very awkward as I didn't say more than 5 words to my trainer the entire time. But, I was there nonetheless. I kept going. Eventually I'll work through this. Hopefully I'll get to the point where I feel like I've done my best and stop comparing myself to other people. Eventually.
Monday, September 17, 2012
This
"Every stoplight I didn't make
Every chance I did or I didn't take
All the nights I went too far
All the girls that broke my heart
All the doors that I had to close
All the things I knew but I didn't know
Thank God for all I missed
Cause it led me here to this"
~This (Written by Darius Rucker)
I've liked this song since the first time I heard it. It rings so true. You go through different seasons and events in your life and they end up leading you to where you are at the moment. I always thought about this song in terms of past relationships etc., but I heard it again today and it took on a different meaning. It was something that my trainer mentioned when we had our heart to heart a few days ago. He said that if I hadn't been laughed at, and quit as a result, I wouldn't have been where I was right now. And he was absolutely right.
It actually was a series of events that led me to where I am right now. It did start with that meeting though. From that point on, I wasn't happy there. So I decided that instead of spending my money on WW and not losing weight, I would spend it on a gym membership. My first choice was a Fit Zone here in town. I was pretty excited about it because, not only did it have weight equipment, it had some free to member classes. Plus, it was just for women, so I figured I'd feel comfortable there. The initial sign-up fee was a little large and the 2 year contract was bit of a sticking point, but nonetheless I decided to sign on the dotted line and join. The day I went to Fit Zone to sign my contract, they closed their doors. Permanently. There was literally a sign on the door that said they were closed. If you looked in the window, all the equipment was gone. So, I went home and called the gym where I currently have a membership.
I knew that on the day of my orientation I would have to be weighed, have my body fat analysis done, and have my fitness level judged. I was secretly hoping for an older, overweight woman to do my orientation. What I got was a fit, 27 year old guy. That guy became a familiar face when I went to the gym and then that guy went on to become my trainer two years later. And this whole process of cleaning out my closet, tackling my demons, and dealing with the weight from the inside, started.
So, while I hate having to re-live past experiences, they all played a part in getting me to where I am now. And where I am now is finally dealing with the things that have held me down for years.
"...All the things I knew but I didn't know. Thank God for all I missed, Cause it led me here to this."
Every chance I did or I didn't take
All the nights I went too far
All the girls that broke my heart
All the doors that I had to close
All the things I knew but I didn't know
Thank God for all I missed
Cause it led me here to this"
~This (Written by Darius Rucker)
I've liked this song since the first time I heard it. It rings so true. You go through different seasons and events in your life and they end up leading you to where you are at the moment. I always thought about this song in terms of past relationships etc., but I heard it again today and it took on a different meaning. It was something that my trainer mentioned when we had our heart to heart a few days ago. He said that if I hadn't been laughed at, and quit as a result, I wouldn't have been where I was right now. And he was absolutely right.
It actually was a series of events that led me to where I am right now. It did start with that meeting though. From that point on, I wasn't happy there. So I decided that instead of spending my money on WW and not losing weight, I would spend it on a gym membership. My first choice was a Fit Zone here in town. I was pretty excited about it because, not only did it have weight equipment, it had some free to member classes. Plus, it was just for women, so I figured I'd feel comfortable there. The initial sign-up fee was a little large and the 2 year contract was bit of a sticking point, but nonetheless I decided to sign on the dotted line and join. The day I went to Fit Zone to sign my contract, they closed their doors. Permanently. There was literally a sign on the door that said they were closed. If you looked in the window, all the equipment was gone. So, I went home and called the gym where I currently have a membership.
I knew that on the day of my orientation I would have to be weighed, have my body fat analysis done, and have my fitness level judged. I was secretly hoping for an older, overweight woman to do my orientation. What I got was a fit, 27 year old guy. That guy became a familiar face when I went to the gym and then that guy went on to become my trainer two years later. And this whole process of cleaning out my closet, tackling my demons, and dealing with the weight from the inside, started.
So, while I hate having to re-live past experiences, they all played a part in getting me to where I am now. And where I am now is finally dealing with the things that have held me down for years.
"...All the things I knew but I didn't know. Thank God for all I missed, Cause it led me here to this."
Friday, September 14, 2012
Walking Away
It's amazing to me how one little thing can instantly put you back into a painful memory. It doesn't take much. Sometimes it's a song, sometimes it's an action, and sometimes it's seeing someone. Today it happened in my rowing class.
I walk up to grab my rower this morning and I saw a familiar face. Not a good familiar, but familiar nonetheless. I recognized this woman from my Weight Watchers group. Hers is a face I won't forget. As you might recall, I shared about how one of my last WW meetings went. I was laughed at and my struggles were completely dismissed because I was young. In case you don't remember, you can read about it here.
Anyway, this familiar face in my rowing class this morning was also at my Weight Watcher meeting that day. As soon as I saw her my blood boiled. I was instantly taken back to that day and how humiliated I felt. As I was rowing I was choking back tears. And all it took was seeing her. I can't say for sure if she was one of the voices I heard that day, because I was in the front of the room and all the cackling was coming from behind me. If she did or she didn't, she was there.
So, what started out as my normal Friday routine, turned into an unwanted trip down memory lane. As a friend pointed out to me, these feelings are resurfacing now because I didn't deal with them then. I didn't want to deal with them then because I didn't know how to deal with them then. Walking out of that meeting and never going back was how I dealt with it. Truth be told, what I really wanted to do during my rowing class is get up and walk away. I wanted to handle it today the same way I handled it then... Walk away and cry.
But, I didn't. I continued rowing. I'm still trying to figure out how to work through this. I'm still figuring out what to do with these feelings. I'm sure that eventually I'll understand what I was supposed to learn from this situation. I'm sure that seeing her today, and reliving that uncomfortable memory, will somehow make me stronger. At the very least it's forcing me to deal with something that I don't want to deal with. Wish me luck.
I walk up to grab my rower this morning and I saw a familiar face. Not a good familiar, but familiar nonetheless. I recognized this woman from my Weight Watchers group. Hers is a face I won't forget. As you might recall, I shared about how one of my last WW meetings went. I was laughed at and my struggles were completely dismissed because I was young. In case you don't remember, you can read about it here.
Anyway, this familiar face in my rowing class this morning was also at my Weight Watcher meeting that day. As soon as I saw her my blood boiled. I was instantly taken back to that day and how humiliated I felt. As I was rowing I was choking back tears. And all it took was seeing her. I can't say for sure if she was one of the voices I heard that day, because I was in the front of the room and all the cackling was coming from behind me. If she did or she didn't, she was there.
So, what started out as my normal Friday routine, turned into an unwanted trip down memory lane. As a friend pointed out to me, these feelings are resurfacing now because I didn't deal with them then. I didn't want to deal with them then because I didn't know how to deal with them then. Walking out of that meeting and never going back was how I dealt with it. Truth be told, what I really wanted to do during my rowing class is get up and walk away. I wanted to handle it today the same way I handled it then... Walk away and cry.
But, I didn't. I continued rowing. I'm still trying to figure out how to work through this. I'm still figuring out what to do with these feelings. I'm sure that eventually I'll understand what I was supposed to learn from this situation. I'm sure that seeing her today, and reliving that uncomfortable memory, will somehow make me stronger. At the very least it's forcing me to deal with something that I don't want to deal with. Wish me luck.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Non Scale Victory
I'm one week down in my No-Scale September. I've had a time or two when I really wanted to check and see how I was doing. But, I didn't. It is still a temptation that I have to fight, but every day it's getting easier. I'm guessing that by the end of the month it won't bother me at all. At least that's what I'm hoping!
Anyway, without the scale, I've had to rely on other ways to measure my progress. I'm currently comfortable in a size 12. So, just for kicks I decided to try on an old pair of size 10 jeans. There was a lot of grunting, pushing, shoving, wiggling, jiggling, and sweating... but I got them zipped up! It wasn't pretty and it about cut off my circulation, but they were zipped nonetheless! I'll be interested to put them on again at the end of the month and see if I struggle a little bit less. Here's hoping!
Anyway, without the scale, I've had to rely on other ways to measure my progress. I'm currently comfortable in a size 12. So, just for kicks I decided to try on an old pair of size 10 jeans. There was a lot of grunting, pushing, shoving, wiggling, jiggling, and sweating... but I got them zipped up! It wasn't pretty and it about cut off my circulation, but they were zipped nonetheless! I'll be interested to put them on again at the end of the month and see if I struggle a little bit less. Here's hoping!
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