The Chubby Girl

I'm a big fan of The Biggest Loser.  I've watched every season since it started.  While I know that it's unrealistic to lose 10+ pounds in a week in real life, I still enjoy watching the transformations.  Aside from their weight loss, I'm always interested to see the corners they turn and the raw emotions that come to the surface when they least expect it.  That, my friends, is real.

The last few weeks I've found myself in a similar situation and I'm not entirely sure what to do about it.  There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason as to when it happens.  But when it does, I'm forced to think about and deal with issues that I thought I'd dealt with years ago.

I'm really not sure I can fully explain how I'm feeling right now because, frankly, I don't understand it myself.  It's all very confusing to me.  This is some deep seeded stuff.  It's almost as if that chubby, shy, girl with no confidence and low self esteem that I used to be is really fighting with the stronger, more confident, more outspoken woman that I'm trying to become.  And right now, I don't know who's winning.

It seems that for every stride I take towards my goals, the chubby girl is doing her best to get in the way.   For every thing I do that gives me a sense of pride and accomplishment, the chubby girl tells me that no one else thinks it's that great.   Every time I get in a situation where I'm challenged to do bigger and better things, the chubby girl whispers in my ear the one million reasons why I can't do it.  Any time anyone shows confidence in me or my abilities, the chubby girl reminds me that if I try and fail, I'll just let people down.  I'm getting really tired of this chick.

The question I'm also struggling with is the timing of it all.  Why now?  Why didn't I go through these issues when I lost weight with WW?  What makes this time different?  Honestly, I don't know the answer to that either.  But, clearly this is something I need to work through and deal with in order to continue to move forward. It's time to silence the chubby girl once and for all.