I have another confession to make... I'm kind of a pain in the ass! I don't mean to be. In fact, the episode that I'm thinking of was done purely out of fear. Fear of failure to be exact.
I had mentioned that after a rowing class, we plugged in numbers and I came up less than poor in my effort, yada, yada, yada. I also mentioned that we were insured by the instructor that the site was wrong and that in fact our efforts were very good. I actually had a meeting scheduled with the trainer so that he could re-evaluate things. I show up for the appointment fully expecting to plug some numbers into a different program and have the results spit out within a few minutes. No problem.
When I get there for my evaluation, he clicks the mouse on the computer to start the program. I'm then asked if I hear the beat on the computer. I do. I'm then asked if I see the step in front of me. I did, but I got a little feisty asking what in the heck the step had to do with the rowing challenge! Well, I put two and two together as I'm told I had to step on the step, keeping the beat from the computer. This will last about 3 minutes, then my heartbeat will be taken and we'll go from there. Really? Because all I wanted to do was plug in some numbers and go about my business. I didn't want any part of doing an activity and then have to be judged on it again! So I said that I really had no desire to do it. He really did try to talk me into it. He tried to tell me that with all the rowing, spinning and step I do, my evaluation should be really good and I can see how much progress I've made. I still wasn't convinced, so I didn't do it. I joked around a little bit, then left the fitness office.
Looking back now, I feel bad about it. The trainer stayed there specifically to do this test with me to help build my confidence. Instead, I let the fear of failure get the best of me. I was so worried that I'd "fail" the test or have rotten numbers. I was afraid I'd find out that all my hard work hadn't done any good and I was still horribly out of shape. I wasted his time, which was very selfish.
So, I've decided to bite the bullet and do it. I'll start off with a necessary apology. I'm then going to come clean and fess up to the fact that I was scared. I don't know how on earth I expect myself to be able to train with a trainer when I can't even do this simple thing in front of one! I need to stop thinking that I'm going to be judged by someone more physically fit than I am. Those trainers are there to help me, not judge me. I swear, I felt like I was back in high school and the skinny girls were watching the rest of us exercise! Not at all what was happening, but that's so how I felt.
So, despite the ridiculous butterflies that will be in my stomach, I'm going to pull up my big-girl panties and take the test. Fear won't get in my way again!
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