This whole deal with not wanting to do that fitness test on Friday has really thrown me for a loop. The whole situation had me feeling feelings that I hadn't felt in years. Feelings that I thought I'd long gotten over. Feelings that made me question the confidence that I thought I had. And, I really don't like it.
In the grand scheme of life, it was just a fitness test. But when something like that instantly takes you back to being the fat kid in high school gym class, it is clearly something more. The scary thing is that I really don't know why I felt that way. It might have been the fear of being judged. It might have been the fear of failing. It might have been a fear of being the center of attention. I'm guessing that it was a combination of all those things and probably more.
I just can't let this get me side-tracked. I have to re-convince myself that I'm not that fat girl in high school anymore. I'm working really hard to improve my health and I've made a lot of progress the last few years. No one is there to judge me. Even if I fail, at least I can say I tried. While I might have had a short, painful trip down memory lane, I need to keep my eyes on the prize and stay in the present. If I allow the feelings from my past to invade my present, they're going to continue to haunt me in the future.
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