Yikes!

Wow!  Yikes! Holy Cannoli! Wowzers! I'm not sure how many other phrases I can come up with, but that's a good start.  I'm referring to how easy it is to get off track.  I just spent the last several days enjoying Christmas with family.  I was away from my home and away from the gym. I was very much out of my routine, both workout wise and food wise.  I ate the food that was prepared for me.  I tried the desserts without working them off.  I definitely made some poor choices and now I have some catch-up to do.

Luckily, I am confident that as easily as I slipped out of my norm, I'll slip back in.  But, it occurred to me just how easy it is to get off track and how quickly you can spiral out of control.  In reality, we're only talking about 4 days.  But those days, combined with our thoughtful neighbors and their goody trays, made for some rough patches.  It's pretty scary to think about how much damage you can really do in 4 days.  Not necessarily intentional damage, but damage nonetheless.  Tomorrow being December 28th, I'm getting back to the gym and back to good eating.  But, in the past I might not have done that.  I might have waited until the first of the year.  However, just think of how much more damage could be done if I waited another 4 days!! That's where I can truly see that the "behind the scenes" work is paying off.  I can now honestly focus on the day to day, vs. waiting until a season is over.  As tempting as it is on 12-27 to say that I'll just live it up until January 1st and then get back on track at that point, I know I can't do that.  I know that I need to take one day at a time.  As quickly as I slipped up the last 4 days, I shutter to think what would happen if I allowed myself to wait another 3 days.  I've worked way too hard to let it go like that!

I'm Doing It!

In regards to the transformation feature that I talked about in my last post... I'm doing it!  I'm going to talk to the manager of the gym (the one who mentioned it in the first place), and I'm absolutely going to do it!

Now, this decision definitely wasn't made lightly.  I'm going to ruffle a few feathers.  I'm not sure how such a small weight loss is going to be accepted, knowing that there are so many people who have lost more than I have.
That being said though... why shouldn't I be featured?  I feel like I represent
a lot of other members who maybe don't have as much to lose.  Just because we don't have 100 extra pounds, it doesn't mean that our success should be any
less celebrated.

I also feel like I have a story to tell.  Unlike when I did it with Weight Watchers, I'm being transformed from the inside out.  I've had to battle with, and conquer 20+ year old demons.  I've been forced to deal with the issues and insecurities that made me overweight in the first place.  It's been a daily, sometimes hourly struggle.  But, I'm doing it.  I feel like there might be at least one person who could benefit from my story.

It's going to be uncomfortable.  I'm not one for being in any kind of a spotlight.  But, I'm going to do it.  I'm flattered to have even been asked.  I'm proud of my accomplishments.  I'm proud of the behind the scenes work that I've done.  And most of all, I'm proud of the fact that, despite obstacles, I'm still going.  I didn't quit.  Regardless of how long this takes, I'm going to finish what I started.  I'll be sure to share it if/when it happens!

Food For Thought

I had a very cool thing happen to me on Saturday.  I'm still trying to process it and figure out if I'm going to do anything about it.  Since I'm pretty open here, I thought I'd share...

I was at the gym Saturday morning with my son.  He's actually working with my trainer to help him improve his running form and speed.  (That has nothing at all to do with the story, I just think it's cool that my trainer is working with him!)  I was there in street clothes.   A pair of jeans and a button-up shirt.  Nothing exciting, but it was a little fitted.  So, anyway, the three of us were in the gymnasium portion of the gym when the gym manager comes up to us.  It's important to note that I've known her (the gym manager) since I was in junior high.  Without giving specifics, I've known her for a very LONG time.   She comes up and says "hi" to my son and then pulls me aside.  She told me that she didn't even recognize me!  She asks if I'm still losing weight and tells me that I look great.  I thank her and acknowledge that I've had lots of help, as I point to my trainer.  She then mentions something about being spotlighted and sharing my transformation story as a promotion for the gym.  I kind of laughed it off and told her that I wasn't sure about all that.  But, I haven't stopped thinking about it...

First of all, I was thrown off at the fact that she said she didn't recognize me.  It's only been a couple months since I've seen her and I'm always in regular clothes when she sees me.  But, for whatever reason, she saw me differently Saturday than she had before.  Secondly, I'm not sure I'm a good candidate for a transformation story.  Mostly because I'm not done yet!  I'm still most definitely a work in progress.  Lastly though, I feel like there are so many people who've made much bigger changes than I have.  I feel like they should focus more on someone who's lost more.  The last guy who was highlighted had lost an amazing 100 pounds!  100 pounds!  I haven't lost anywhere near that, nor do I have anywhere near that to lose.

So, I'm torn.  I talked to my trainer about it this morning and he sees things a little differently.  As far as focusing on other people who've done more, he feels like too often people focus on the numbers vs. the results.  Sometimes when people have 100 pounds to lose, it comes off a little quicker and easier than those of us who don't have that much.  I've lost 37 pounds, but I've fought for every. single. pound.  Hell, I've fought for every single 1/2 pound!  So, maybe my 37 pounds, coupled with all the weight training and body "sculpting", really truly has transformed my body the same way their 100 pounds did for them.  I don't know...

Also, I'm not typically someone who likes a lot of attention on them.  Yes, people have mentioned that they can see that I've lost weight, etc., but to have a video and/or publication done about me?  Not sure I'm ready for that kind of attention. It's definitely given me something to think about.

 

Long Overdue Update

I just found out that a friend of mine has started to read here (Hi Katie! :-) ), so I figure it's way past time for an update! Unfortunately, not much going on.  I haven't updated because I haven't had anything to update.  Weight wise, I'm still stuck.  In fact, I've decided that this time of year I'm not going to even try to lose weight.  I'm just going to hold on for dear life and hope to at least maintain during the holidays.  Since I now know that new people are reading, I really will try to do a better job of updating!  Have a great week!

Wee (Or So) In Review

For whatever reason, I can't get the little slide thing on the right to work.  But, I am down another pound and am now just over 10 pounds away from my goal.  Speaking of my goal, I did something pretty big this morning that I'm pretty proud of.  I actually dead lifted a large amount of weight.  In fact, I weighed my 9 year old and my 10 year old and I lifted the equivalent of both of them put together!  150 pounds!  It was crazy heavy and my form was less than perfect towards the end so he had me stop.  But, I did it!  I lifted 150 pounds.  Holy cow!
I hope everyone has a wonderful week!

Week In Review

Although my scale didn't show it this morning, I'm recording a loss for the week.  It's a small one, only .4 pounds, but since the scale hasn't been budging lately, I'm still happy about it.  The reason I'm still counting it is because as of a few days ago, that's where I was.  Then Mother Nature reared her ugly head.  I can't fight Mother Nature, but I'm also not accepting what I saw this morning as accurate.  So, for the first time in a long time, I can say I lost a little this week.  Now if only someone could have kept Mother Nature from happening when the leftover Halloween candy was available, my life would be so much easier!  I hope you guys have a great week!

Week In Review

Weight wise, this week was not eventful at all.  I did a whole lot of nothing.  So, my goal for this week is to get back to tracking my food and counting calories every day.  It's worked in the past, so I'm sure that's what I need to do to kick start my weight loss again.

I did, however, have a kick ass workout that I want to brag about.  After a week of having to cancel my sessions because I couldn't sleep and wasn't able to wake up at 5:00 a.m., I had a make-up training session yesterday.  Let me back-up a minute to say that my ego took a little hit on Friday morning, so I was determined to work hard at my training.  And, I did.  I rocked out 3 sets of 15 of everything he threw at me.

When it came time to do my dead lifts, we started out "light" at 95 pounds and I did my first set of 15.  He threw on another 10 pounds and I did my second set of 15.  He then asked if I wanted more weight thrown on.  Before I had time to think about it, I told him yes.  On went another 10 pounds... 115 lbs. in all.  That's the most I've ever dead lifted.  It was heavy and I made sure he was very close in case I couldn't lift it.  But, I did!  And I did 15 more dead lifts.  Then we went on to planks...

I'm holding my plank for a while when he tells me I can stop.  I don't know how long it was, but he started counting down "5... 4... 3... 2... 1..." But, I told him I had more.  I could keep going.  So, I did.  He adjusts my position a little bit to make it a little more difficult, then he watches the clock.  "That's a minute. Do you have more?"  Yep, I've got more.  I hold it for another 12 seconds before my knees hit the ground.  I'm not positive, but I don't think I've ever held a plank for over a minute before.  Although he was impressed by how long I held it, he determined that it was too easy.  So, my next one was more difficult.  My feet were no longer on the ground, they were on a barbell with weights, so it was not at all stable.  Not only was it unstable, but after a few seconds, I feel him pulling backwards on the bar.  So, not only am I having to hold my plank, I'm having to fight to keep my form as he's slowly pulling it away from me.  Needless to say, I didn't hold that for quite as long!  I do one more of those to finish off the session.

Now, it's not very often that I feel proud about something like that.  I normally assume that if I can do it, anyone can do it.  But yesterday, I was damn proud! That's stuff I'd never done before.  I left that session feeling super pumped and I can't wait until tomorrow morning to try it again!  I hope everyone else has a fabulous week!

(Long Overdue) Week In Review

Time to make some changes.

I've spent the last 7 weeks with my scale (mostly) in the closet, so I've been forced to rely on non-scale progress to keep me going.  And, luckily, it's been working.  I've noticed subtle changes ~ including a new size 10 jean! :-) ~ and I've been happy with that.  However, after stepping on the scale this morning, I'm not too thrilled to see that the number hasn't changed.  I'm exactly where I was 3 weeks ago.  Nothing more... but nothing less.  I should be happy, but losing weight is still my ultimate goal. So, I've decided that it's time to get back to the weekly weigh-ins.  I'm obviously doing enough that I'm maintaining where I am and I'm not gaining anything.  But, what I really want to do is lose a little more weight.
I'm hoping that getting back to my weekly weigh-ins is just what I need to get the job done.

Aside from my weight not budging for the last month or so, my scale-free experiment has been very good for me.  I've managed to re-program my brain so that I don't need to constantly step on the scale.  I've seen first-hand that physical changes can still occur even when your weight doesn't move.  I've also learned that I need the accountability of weekly weight checks.  I've talked to my trainer about this latest plateau, and we've switched up my cardio a bit to hopefully kick my weight loss back into gear.  I'm looking forward to seeing if this helps.  I hope everyone has a great week!

Knockin' Knees

I just had an interesting thing happen...  I was walking up the stairs in my house and I felt my knees bang together.  I can honestly say that I've never felt my knees knock before.  Now, my thighs have rubbed together for years, but my knees, not so much!

Someone who has never struggled with their weight probably won't get excited about this.  However, I'm assuming that if you're reading this, you have struggled with weight at some point like I have.  So, you'll understand that this is actually a huge deal!  If my knees can now touch when I walk up the stairs, it means that there is much less of my thigh getting in the way.  Just another reminder that it's not always the number on the scale that indicates progress.

10

A little over a month ago, I tried to squeeze my hiney into a size 10 jean.  If you'd like, you can read about it here... Anyway, I tried on another pair during a shopping trip to Target this week.  Much to my delight, they fit!  And they fit well!  So, naturally I bought them. :-)  Just to make sure it wasn't a fluke, I drove over to my local Old Navy and grabbed a pair of size 10's off their shelf as well.  Success!  So, I bought those too! :-)

While wearing a size 10 is very exciting, the number 10 is significant for another reason... It's been longer than that since I've been able to wear that size.  I haven't put on a size 10 pair of jeans since before I became pregnant with my son.  That was over 10 (nearly 11) years ago.  Needless to say, I'm geeked! This process has been slow.  Painfully slow at times.  But, it's working.  Slowly but surely, the weight is coming off.  The numbers on the scale, and on my tags, are getting smaller and the amount of weight I'm able to lift and squat, is getting larger.  It's getting fun again!

No-Scale September

No-Scale September has come to an end.  If I'm being honest, I caved twice over the month. But, compared to stepping on it multiple times a day, I'm pretty proud that I only pulled it out twice! Anyway, I ended up losing the 3 annoying pounds that I had put on previously.  So, I'm officially back down to my 35 pound mark.

Despite my 2 moments of weakness, I think No-Scale September was a success.  In fact, it was easier than I thought.  Without my scale, I was able to just focus on my food and my workouts.  It was actually pretty freeing. I could pay attention to how my clothes felt instead of paying attention to the scale day in and day out.  I could work on other issues going on in my head instead of worrying if my weight was going up or down every day.  It was nice.  And, it's something I'm going to continue.  For the first time in years, I'm not chained to a scale. Here's looking forward to No-Scale October!

Unchartered Territory

I had an incident happen that left me feeling a little hurt and a little judged.  I don't think it was done intentionally, it's just the way I felt.  Unfortunately, I'm left trying to figure out how to deal with it.

I really hate being compared to someone else, which is what happened.  I hate feeling like my best effort isn't good enough. And again, while I don't think it was intentional, it left me feeling sad and inadequate.  Totally my issues to sort out, but I don't know how.

Truth be told, what I really want to do is quit.  I want to stop going to this class.  I want to quit my training.  I want to leave the gym.  I want to just fade into the woodwork where I'm comfortable.  I want to "punish" the person who made me feel judged by eating everything in sight.  This is how I know to deal with things.  I run away from uncomfortable feelings.  I take myself completely out of a situation and I avoid going back.  And to some extent, it works.  Until it doesn't.

Inevitably, if I quit, I lose whatever progress I've made.  I know that I'll gain back each and every pound, and then some.  I also know that the muscles I've worked so hard to tone, will slowly fade away.  This will leave me even more upset, which will probably cause me to withdraw, and eat, even more.  So, despite everything I wanted to do, I went back to the gym.  I have my husband to thank for that because he truly had to convince me to go.

Here's where the "uncharted territory" comes in...  Because I didn't quit like I usually do, I don't exactly know where to go from here.  I don't think these feelings are going away anytime soon.  I've had nearly a lifetime of feeling this way, so it's going to take a while to un-think those thoughts.  But, it doesn't make it any easier.  Frankly, it's kind of exhausting to keep having this same fight with myself.  That's why it's so much easier to just accept that I'm not good enough and stop trying.  Stop trying to be something that I don't feel that I am.

But, like I said, I'm not going to do that.  I drug my butt to my training session this morning.  I didn't want to be there and it was very awkward as I didn't say more than 5 words to my trainer the entire time.  But, I was there nonetheless.  I kept going.  Eventually I'll work through this.  Hopefully I'll get to the point where I feel like I've done my best and stop comparing myself to other people.  Eventually.

This

"Every stoplight I didn't make
Every chance I did or I didn't take
All the nights I went too far
All the girls that broke my heart
All the doors that I had to close
All the things I knew but I didn't know
Thank God for all I missed
Cause it led me here to this"

~This  (Written by Darius Rucker)

I've liked this song since the first time I heard it.  It rings so true.  You go through different seasons and events in your life and they end up leading you to where you are at the moment.  I always thought about this song in terms of past relationships etc., but I heard it again today and it took on a different meaning.   It was something that my trainer mentioned when we had our heart to heart a few days ago.  He said that if I hadn't been laughed at, and quit as a result, I wouldn't have been where I was right now. And he was absolutely right.

It actually was a series of events that led me to where I am right now.  It did start with that meeting though.  From that point on, I wasn't happy there.  So I decided that instead of spending my money on WW and not losing weight, I would spend it on a gym membership.  My first choice was a Fit Zone here in town.  I was pretty excited about it because, not only did it have weight equipment, it had some free to member classes.  Plus, it was just for women, so I figured I'd feel comfortable there.  The initial sign-up fee was a little large and the 2 year contract was bit of a sticking point, but nonetheless I decided to sign on the dotted line and join.  The day I went to Fit Zone to sign my contract, they closed their doors.  Permanently.  There was literally a sign on the door that said they were closed.  If you looked in the window, all the equipment was gone.  So, I went home and called the gym  where I currently have a membership.

I knew that on the day of my orientation I would have to be weighed, have my body fat analysis done, and have my fitness level judged.  I was secretly hoping for an older, overweight woman to do my orientation.  What I got was a fit, 27 year old guy.  That guy became a familiar face when I went to the gym and then that guy went on to become my trainer two years later.  And this whole process of cleaning out my closet, tackling my demons, and dealing with the weight from the inside, started. 

So, while I hate having to re-live past experiences, they all played a part in getting me to where I am now.  And where I am now is finally dealing with the things that have held me down for years.  

"...All the things I knew but I didn't know. Thank God for all I missed, Cause it led me here to this."

Walking Away

It's amazing to me how one little thing can instantly put you back into a painful memory.  It doesn't take much.  Sometimes it's a song, sometimes it's an action, and sometimes it's seeing someone.  Today it happened in my rowing class.

I walk up to grab my rower this morning and I saw a familiar face.  Not a good familiar, but familiar nonetheless.  I recognized this woman from my Weight Watchers group.  Hers is a face I won't forget.  As you might recall, I shared about how one of my last WW meetings went.  I was laughed at and my struggles were completely dismissed because I was young.  In case you don't remember, you can read about it here.

Anyway, this familiar face in my rowing class this morning was also at my Weight Watcher meeting that day. As soon as I saw her my blood boiled.  I was instantly taken back to that day and how humiliated I felt.  As I was rowing I was choking back tears.  And all it took was seeing her.  I can't say for sure if she was one of the voices I heard that day, because I was in the front of the room and all the cackling was coming from behind me.  If she did or she didn't, she was there.

So, what started out as my normal Friday routine, turned into an unwanted trip down memory lane. As a friend pointed out to me, these feelings are resurfacing now because I didn't deal with them then.  I didn't want to deal with them then because I didn't know how to deal with them then.  Walking out of that meeting and never going back was how I dealt with it. Truth be told, what I really wanted to do during my rowing class is get up and walk away.  I wanted to handle it today the same way I handled it then...  Walk away and cry.

But, I didn't.  I continued rowing.  I'm still trying to figure out how to work through this.  I'm still figuring out what to do with these feelings.  I'm sure that eventually I'll understand what I was supposed to learn from this situation.  I'm sure that seeing her today, and reliving that uncomfortable memory, will somehow make me stronger.  At the very least it's forcing me to deal with something that I don't want to deal with.  Wish me luck.  

Non Scale Victory

I'm one week down in my No-Scale September.  I've had a time or two when I really wanted to check and see how I was doing.  But, I didn't.  It is still a temptation that I have to fight, but every day it's getting easier.  I'm guessing that by the end of the month it won't bother me at all.  At least that's what I'm hoping!

Anyway, without the scale, I've had to rely on other ways to measure my progress.  I'm currently comfortable in a size 12.  So, just for kicks I decided to try on an old pair of size 10 jeans.  There was a lot of grunting, pushing, shoving, wiggling, jiggling, and sweating... but I got them zipped up!  It wasn't pretty and it about cut off my circulation, but they were zipped nonetheless!  I'll be interested to put them on again at the end of the month and see if I struggle a little bit less.  Here's hoping!

Ditching The Scale

I think I'm on the verge of a breakthrough. Or maybe it's already happened, I don't know.  What I do know is that I'm ditching my scale.  For at least a month, maybe forever, we'll see.  Stepping on it day in and day out is making me crazy.  And, if I'm being honest, I'm stepping on it multiple times a day.  It's ridiculous and it's got to stop.

Not only is it driving me crazy, I know it's not telling me the whole story.  On top of that, it's making me freak out about things that I shouldn't freak out about.  Let me explain...

It's driving me crazy... because it's driving me crazy!  My OCD forces me to step on the stupid thing every time I see it.  So, if I can't see it, I can't step on it. Problem one solved.

It's not telling me the whole story.  Clearly, the scale can only reflect a number.  It can't reflect how hard I'm working.  It can't reflect how my body is changing.  It can't reflect the muscle I'm building.  I can't allow myself to get hung up on a number any longer.  So, if I can't see the number I can't get hung up on it. Problem two solved.

I'm freaking out about things I shouldn't freak out about.  This one's a little harder to explain.  I'm starting to really stress out about the future.  When I reach my goal I feel like I won't be able to justify working with my trainer anymore.  As much as I rely on him to guide me and help me through some of the emotional baggage I'm dealing with, I genuinely enjoy working with him.  I look forward to my sessions.  After a year, we get along well and the sessions are as much fun as they are work.  I'm not ready to give that up just because I reach a certain number.  So, if I stop focusing on the scale and reaching an ultimate "number" goal, I can start to focus on making this a forever lifestyle change, which will include fun workouts with a trainer.  Problem three solved.

So, for September, I ditch the scale.

35

I weigh 35 pounds less than I used to!  These last 5 pounds took me nearly 5 months to lose, but that's alright.  Despite the snail-like pace the weight seems to be coming off, the fact is, it's coming off.  I've learned to really appreciate and celebrate the non-scale victories.  I'm noticing muscles that I never had.  I'm fitting into clothes that I haven't worn in years.  The weight on my barbells is going up and so are the number of push-ups that I'm able to do.  Slow as it is, the process is working.  And, I know that I'm doing it the right way, so I'm confident that the weight will stay off.  Next stop... 40 pounds!

I'm Scared

I should be done by now.  I've been working with my trainer for 11 months.
I should be done.  Still, I look in the mirror and can quite easily see the areas where I still have weight to lose.  The problem isn't in my workouts.  I'm at the gym 5 days a week most weeks.  Some weeks I'm there 6 days.  I'm fairly confident that I'm good in that respect.  Unfortunately, this leads me to believe it's my eating.  And for whatever reason, this is an area that I'm terribly uncomfortable addressing.

I don't know why I'm so guarded about it though.  Probably because, deep down, I know that's where I'm screwing up, so I don't want to talk about it.  Now, I'm not eating horribly.  If I were, I'd be gaining weight, which I'm not.  But, I'm not losing any either.  I've been stuck at the same weight for quite some time now.  And, if I look back and really think about it, I know my eating is to blame.  I just can't quite figure out why. I know what to do.  It isn't rocket science.  I need to eat less calories than I burn.  Period.  However, as the day goes on, I start to care less.  No, that's not true.  I don't care less, I just don't care enough to make good choices.  I don't even know if that makes sense...

There's got to be an underlying reason.  Honestly, I think I'm scared of getting close.  Because I am close.  I'm sitting here knowing that I really only want to lose 15 more pounds.  That's not much.  But it's scary to think about being "done."  Losing weight is all I know.  My entire adult life, that's all I've ever known.  As much as I don't like it, I'm comfortable doing it because I've done it for so long.  I don't know how to be fit.  I don't know how to not focus on my weight.  I don't know how to work out just to work out.  It scares the hell out of me.

If I don't work on this last piece of the puzzle, I won't get there.  I'll stay right where I am, 15 pounds away from my goal.  But, it's safe here.  I know how to do this.  So, as long as I keep doing what I'm doing, I'm going to stay where I am.  I'm just not sure which scares me more... reaching my goal or not reaching it.

Letting Myself Go

Him: "So, do you have any more weddings or reunions to get ready for?"
Me: "Nope, I'm done with those."
Him: "Oh, OK.  Well, I hope you don't let yourself go now..."
Me: "........crickets..............."

This was a conversation that I had in my Spinning class the other day.  I really, truly, had no idea how to respond to that comment.  The only thing I could muster up was "I've got too much money invested to let myself go. I'm going to continue my training."

Now, to defend this gentleman, he's normally very quiet and very nice.  I'm sure he didn't mean it to come across the way I took it.  For the life of me, I just can't figure out why it came up at all.  But it did, and it got me thinking.

Are those the kind of "vibes" I'm sending out?  Do I come across as someone who would work that hard for a goal, then give it all up once I achieve it?  I didn't think I was, but I don't know. It's really kinda irritating because I'm not even done yet and people are worried about me giving up.  While weddings and reunions are good goal dates to work for, my ultimate goal is to lose the weight I want to lose and be the strongest, healthiest mom I can be. I'm not there yet, so my work isn't done.  As I sit here typing this, I'm sore from a workout.  I worked out with extreme focus yesterday.  As the conversation was fresh in my mind, I felt like I had something to prove.  Honestly, I'm not sure if I was proving it to him or to myself.  Either way, I can assure you that I have no intention of letting myself go.

Time Out

I'm taking to my blog before I do something I know I'll regret.  I'm having a rough time today.  I'm still not 100% healed from this injury...The kids are driving me crazy and I just lost my temper with them...  I've been stuck at the same weight for several weeks now... It just isn't a great day. As irritated as I am right now, I want to eat everything in sight.  I was standing in my kitchen unloading my dishwasher, and I was taking stock of everything I had in my cupboard.  Sweet, salty, chocolaty, nutty, you name it.  When I get like this it doesn't really matter, I just want to eat something to calm down.  But, I didn't.

Instead, I decided to sit down, take a time out, and work through it.  I removed myself from the situation to think about what a bad idea that would have been.  I'm not hungry, I'm frustrated.  Eating my way through a bag of chips won't magically make the kids' rooms clean.  Going to town on a jar of trail mix won't heal my stupid rib.  I know all this.  I also know that if I did allow myself to lose control, I'd hate myself.  Which would probably make me want to eat something else to punish myself for eating in the first place.  It's a vicious, stupid cycle that has no point. But, it's one that I found myself in often.  Until now.

I didn't do it today.  I made myself a pot of coffee instead.  I'm going to finish this post, kick back in my recliner and enjoy a cup of coffee.  Then I'm going to silently pat myself on the back for being mindful enough to not let a rough day turn into an eating disaster.

Down For The Count

Yup, just like the title suggests, I'm down for a bit.  I injured myself while doing some ab work, and I'm now the proud owner of a strained rib muscle.  It's amazing how little things, like breathing, can hurt a rib muscle.  So, as far as the gym goes, I'm kinda limited.  I can still do my spinning and elliptical, but rowing is out for a while.  My weight training has also taken a hit since too much arm movement is painful.  I'm down to 30 minute sessions, but we're only doing legs. Now, don't get me wrong, my trainer managed to make me beg for mercy in my last 30 minute leg session.  But, none the less, push-ups, pull-ups, and ab work will have to wait.  I'm not thrilled about it either.

I'm really not good at having limitations.  I'm a tough chick, so it drives me crazy knowing that something little like this can slow me down.  Like I said, I'm doing what I can, just not everything I want to do.  I was actually boxing with one arm today, just to get some arm work.  I'm completely over this and ready to move on!

Learning To Love The Pain

For the last few months, a friend has talked me into going to a ridiculously early Boot Camp class at the gym.   It's on Monday mornings and, without fail, Tuesday morning I wake up sore.  Sometimes it's my legs, sometimes it's my arms, sometimes it's my abs, sometimes it's a combination of all of these.
Today is no different.

However, as much as I'm grunting and groaning and struggling to move without pain, I secretly love it.  You see, I love it because it means I've done something.  It means I've worked hard.  It means that, while I'd rather be sleeping, I dragged my carcass out of bed anyway.

So, while the pain has made my Tuesday rowing class much harder than it used to be, I still love it.  I love knowing that I've worked hard.  I love knowing that my muscles are changing and getting stronger every day.  So, bring on the pain!

What a Difference a Year Makes

I know I've lost weight.  I know my body is changing.  But, there's something about seeing a "before" and "after" picture that really drives the point home.

Our family rents out the same cabin year after year, so there's plenty of opportunity to take pictures in the same location year after year.  This past week, we went on our vacation and hit a local spot that we hit most every time we go.  We did it last year as well and my sister took a picture of me climbing up a ridiculous amount of stairs.  It's a cheesy shot with my arms up in the air.  So this year, I decided to have her take a new and improved version of the same picture.  Here I am last year...

And here I am this year...

Like I said, it's cheesy, yes.  But, it sure is nice to see some results.  I can't wait to see what next year's version of this picture looks like!

Wear It Like You Mean It

My 20 year class reunion was this past Saturday.  The date was written at the top of my training folder and it was the major thing I'd been working towards for months.  About 3 months ago I bought a super cute dress that I planned to wear for the evening.  It fit when I tried it on at the store, so I was confident that it would look fabulous by the time the reunion rolled around.  So, 9 weeks before the day I took a picture of myself in my dress to document the "transformation".  I used quotes for that word because I didn't see much of a transformation at all.  In fact, the day before the reunion I had my husband take a picture again and I was pretty bummed.  I compared it to the picture 9 weeks before and I didn't see any changes.  So, despite the fact that I'd bought this dress and paid to have it altered in my "upper region", I had pretty much talked myself out of wearing it.

I have another cute dress that I've worn to a few weddings.  It's sleeveless, like the reunion dress, but it's in a larger size.  I'm more comfortable wearing that dress.  My reunion dress actually fit.  Around the mid section there was no wiggle room.  In the alternate dress, I had room to move.  I felt like I would have been much more comfortable in the second dress.  So, I told my husband that I had changed my mind and was going with the other dress.  He wasn't overly thrilled with that fact, but ultimately he knew I was going to do what made me comfortable, so he didn't say much.  He did tell me one last time that the first dress looked good.

The morning of the reunion comes and I head to the gym to squeeze in a little more cardio and boxing before I pamper myself with a pedicure and new shoes.  It just so happens that morning my trainer had some "a ha" moments about me.  He was training another client who was just starting over after having a baby.  He had worked with her for a long time and, in fact, hers was one of the sessions I observed before I ever decided to work with him.  Her and I are a lot alike and I would ask about her periodically during my sessions and vice versa.  So, the two of us have kind of been lumped together from the beginning.  Me being the one striving to get to where she was.  All that to say that Saturday, he realized that I had gotten there.  I'm now doing things that she was doing when I started.  Working with her again, watching her have to start over, reminded him of where I started as well.  You kind of forget that stuff when you're so far removed from it.  Anyway, he gave me quite the ego boost telling me how much stronger I am now and I left the gym feeling really good.  With that new found confidence, I decided to wear the dress.

I texted a friend of mine as I was getting ready and I told her that I'd almost talked myself out of it.  However, I was standing a little taller and a little more proud, so I decided to wear it anyway.  I had been working my ass off to wear that dress and darn it, I was going to wear it.  Her words back to me were "Damn right you are and you're going to wear it like you mean it!".  So I did.  Even if I didn't see a huge transformation from the day I took the first picture to the day of the reunion, I still knew a transformation had taken place.  When I put that dress on, I definitely meant it!

Revelations

I was thinking again about the post I wrote yesterday and how disappointed I was in my results.  That also got me thinking about how disappointed I was in the way I handled it.  Actually, I'm not sure which was more upsetting to me.

Typically, I'm the type of person that doesn't show much emotion.  If something is bothering me, I do a pretty good job of covering it up and dealing with it in my own way.  So, the fact that I let my guard down and showed how disappointed I was, really got me thinking.  That's when the revelation hit.

When you continue to do what you've always done, you'll continue to get what you've always gotten.  It's something that my WW leader repeated time and time again, but it's the first thing that came to my mind. If I would have done what I've always done, I would have just gritted my teeth and walked out without him knowing I was upset. But if I did that, he wouldn't have had the chance to explain to me what everything meant and subsequently explained why the results were actually better than they looked. If I would have done what I've always done, I wouldn't have voiced my disappointment. I might have gone home, frustrated, and eaten my way to the bottom of a carton of ice cream. But if I did that, I would have hated myself for doing it.

So, in that moment of weakness when I let my feelings show, some good came from it.  I now realize that maybe that's one of the things that I need to stop doing.  Keeping things inside leads me to eat.  Letting things out causes me to feel those feelings and deal with them without food.  I never thought I was that kind of eater, but I think maybe I am.

This lengthy journey has been full of ups and downs, that's for sure.  Along the way I'm learning a lot about myself.  It's been an interesting ride to say the least, and I know it's not over yet. Who knows what other little nuggets about myself
I'll uncover!

Trusting The Process

I had a very humbling experience on Friday morning.  After talking to my trainer Thursday about the fact that I'm ready to just be done with losing weight, we had a very long discussion.  I'll spare the details, but the main point was that I need to stop focusing so much on the actual weight going down and I need to focus more on the process.  Keep eating well and training hard and let the weight take care of itself in time.  As I'm still about 15 pounds away from where I want to be, he thought now would be a good time to do another body composition analysis to see where I am.  So, first thing Friday morning we met in the fitness office.

He took my weight and plugged it into the computer.  I happened to take a glance at the screen where I saw the number 28.  28% body fat was the absolute top of the ideal range for my height and weight.  So, when he's doing the body composition test, I'm really hoping to see better than a 28.  I'm not sharing the actual number because I'm not happy with it.  But, suffice it to say it was higher than 28 and not at all where I wanted it to be.

In all fairness, my BMI was lower than the first body composition I had done when I joined the gym 3 years ago.  But, I hadn't made nearly the progress that I thought I should have.  Evidently, my water levels were lower with this test than with the first one, so that actually affected the number as well.  He explained (promised, and even guaranteed) that if my water was where it should have been, my number would have been at least 3% lower than where it was.  He was actually very happy with my progress.  Me on the other hand, not so much.

I know he was explaining things to me, but I wasn't hearing most of it.  My entire focus was on the fact that I hadn't made as much progress as I thought I should have.  I completely shut out everything he was telling me.  God bless him because he really was trying to assure me that my progress was good.  Unfortunately, the only thing on my mind at that point was the fact that 28% was my optimum number and I wasn't there.  Luckily there was one thing he told me that actually stuck with me.  Yes, my number was slightly higher than the 28%, but I'm not done yet.  He then left me with one piece of "homework".

About a week ago, someone took a picture of me from behind.  They tagged me in the picture, but I wasn't sure it was even me.  If it weren't for the fact that I recognized the jeans, I wouldn't have believed it was me. I obviously don't look at my backside very often, but it didn't look at all how I remembered.  Anyway, I mentioned this to him because, at the time, I was super excited about it.  So, my homework was to print up that picture and keep it with me.  I'm to use it as a reminder that while my "numbers" aren't exactly where I want them to be, I'm definitely making progress.  My body is definitely changing.  So, as we speak, the picture has been downloaded on my phone.

As I mentioned, this all happened Friday.  Saturday morning, everything he was telling me finally sunk in.  I'm not done.  There's a reason why my numbers aren't ideal.  I still have work to do.  I'm still a work in progress.  I need to continue to eat good, train hard, and let the rest take care of itself.  I'm gonna just hang in there and trust the process.

Making Goals

When I first started working the a trainer 9 months ago, I had one goal in mind... to look better in my bridesmaids dress.  Sometime around February or March, I set another goal... to look better for my high school reunion than I did when I graduated 20 years ago.  With that day quickly approaching, I find myself setting another goal... I just want to be done.

I want to get out of weight loss mode.  I've been here for way too many years. With the exception of the 17 months that I was pregnant, I've been trying to lose weight since the mid 1990's.  That's a long time.  In fact, I'm not even sure I know how to NOT lose weight. I guess that's a bridge I'll cross when I get to it.  If I get to it.  Although I'm much closer than I was when I started, I still feel like the finish line is far, far away.

As far away as it may be, I'm still going to set a goal for it.  So here goes... My new goal is to be at 150 pounds by the end of the year.  January 1st, 2013 is 30 weeks from today.  Even at the snail's pace that I seem to lose weight, I think it's doable. Depending on the day, I'm 15 pounds away from that right now, so that translates to 1/2 pound a week.  It sounds like it should be a piece of cake, but I know myself.  I still don't have it all together, so even a half pound a week, consistently, is going to be a struggle for me.  But, it's a goal that I'm going to aim for nonetheless.  Wish me luck!

Wow, I Needed That!

There's nothing like a great workout to completely change your attitude!  I had an hour long session with my trainer this morning and holy cow, did I need it!  An hour of squats, dead lifts, push ups, reverse rows, planks and boxing was just what I needed to get rejuvenated.  My muscles are sore, shaky, and tired.  But, it felt great and I'm looking forward to next time!

The Party's Over

Well, the pity party is over.  The big girl panties are on and it's game on.  It's like a never ending cycle.  I have up days and I have down days.  Yesterday was a down day.  But, yesterday is done.  I had a good talk with a girlfriend and I'm focused again.  Here's to hitting the 35 pound mark soon!

Bursting my Bubble

My bubble has officially burst. I was feeling pretty confident with my 33 pound loss.  In fact, my workout shorts were getting pretty baggy, so I set out to buy some new ones today.  So, I grabbed a pair of Large shorts and headed for the dressing room.  That's where my bubble was burst.

It wasn't pretty.  I really feel like I should have looked much better in those shorts.  On top of that, the large shirt was a little tighter in the lower belly than I was happy with.  Thus leading me to believe that after 33 pounds, I still need to buy XL clothes.  And, since we're talking about sizes, I'll also mention that I've been wearing my size 12 jeans for months now. Months.  However, I also tried on a pair of size 12 casual shorts and I couldn't get them fastened.  I left that dressing room feeling completely defeated and deflated.

I'm trying really hard to not think about the time, money, and emotional investment I've made on training these past 8 months.  Because if I let myself think about it, I might start to feel like I've been wasting my time.  I might start to feel that the results I thought I was seeing aren't really that impressive.  And I really don't want to feel that way.

I want to focus on how far I've come.  I want to focus on how much stronger I am now.  I want to focus on how much more defined my muscles are.  This just turned out to be a huge slap in the face for me.  I'm sure tomorrow I'll pick myself back up, brush myself off, put on my big girl panties and get back to it.  But for now, I'm throwing a pity party for one.

Regroup

To start with, I was right on my last post.  My big loss was a fluke.  It probably has everything to do with the fact that I weighed in really early that morning.  It clearly had nothing to do with anything else!  So, I'm back to my original thought from last week that my weight loss is kind of at a stand still right now.  So, it's time to regroup.  Again. I feel like I do that a lot.

I do feel like I should back-up a little bit.  This past weekend was my son's birthday party.  So, naturally, there was a lot of un-healthy food at my house.  Unfortunately, I didn't do a good job of staying away from it.  And you know, I'm finding that as yummy as it tastes to begin with, the feeling I get afterwards is really not worth it.  Not only do I feel gross for having eaten it, I get extremely upset with myself for not resisting it.

So, I regroup.  And, to some extent it's a good thing, I guess. It's not good that I have to regroup because it means that I've slipped up again.  However, it is a good thing because it means I'm not giving up.  Being 32 pounds lighter means that I'm well over half way to my goal.  And there's no way I'm going back now.  As much as I hate that my weight loss is currently at a stand still, I know that eventually I'll get going again.  I just have to regroup.

Slower Than Molasses In January

I was all prepared to write a post today talking about how slow things are going right now.  According to the last time I weighed (which has been a few days, thank you very much!), I hadn't done much.  But then I stepped on this morning and I had a huge jump!  I'm down a little over 2 pounds!  Now, I don't know if it was a fluke or not.  It might have been because I weighed in unGodly early this morning in order to make it to my 5:45 Boot Camp.  Regardless, slowly but surely I'm inching my way to being down 35 pounds.  And with this have come some problems that I didn't anticipate...

It's pretty funny actually.  I'm having wardrobe malfunctions now.  A lot.
I first noticed it while I was working with my trainer.  Now, let me preface by saying that my dryer has a thing with drawstrings.  Several pairs of my workout shorts, and sweatshirts, used to have drawstrings.  Key words: used to. For whatever reason, my dryer always tears them out!  Anyway, fast forward to my training session when I'm asked to jump rope.  When you're wearing shorts that are slightly big, without drawstrings, jumping rope isn't a good idea.  I managed to catch the shorts before it was an issue, but needless to say, he now asks if I'm wearing "good shorts" before he asks me to jump rope!  I found out this morning, however, that another pair of my workout shorts might be on their way out. These used to be one of my "safe" pairs, but I felt them slipping this morning as I was doing burpees.  I've been putting it off for a while, but it looks like it's time to go shopping!

Back In The Closet

I'm stuck again.  I'm really not doing a whole lot as far as weight loss right now.  Actually, I should clarify... I'm back to stepping on the scale a lot, but that's definitely not a good thing.  So, the scale went back in the closet.  It's been there since Monday and I have to admit, this time was definitely easier than the last time I put it there.  I'm determined to only bring it out once a week now.  It's not doing anything for me besides driving me crazy.  I just need to back off and trust the process.  I don't need to step on every day for confirmation.  If I know I did well, then I don't need the scale to tell me that every day.  And, on the flip side, if I had a rough day, I really don't want the scale to tell me that!  So, its new home is in the closet.  I won't let it run my life and in return, I won't hate it as much.  I think we'll both be happier with this arrangement.

Lose Yourself

I love music.  I have it on all the time.  It doesn't matter if I'm doing dishes, taking a shower, walking the dogs or simply waiting for my coffee to finish brewing.  I've always got music playing.  That love for music extends to workouts as well.  However, when I'm with my trainer, I don't have MY music playing.  In my opinion, it's rude to have my headphones in while I'm working with him, so I just get the music that's playing on the fitness floor. It's usually not anything that motivates me.  But, that's all changed...

The gym has most of its weight equipment upstairs where all the members have access to it.  However, it also has another room that's used by the athletic performance department.  It's a small room that's private.  Lots of  equipment, fairly soundproof.  It also has a dock that you can plug in your phone or iPod.  Fortunately for me, my trainer has access to that room, so we've been training down there for the last few weeks.  And, I love it!

So, we either plug in my iPhone or his iPod and we crank the music. Loud.  Today, one of the songs I have on this blog, Lose Yourself by Eminem, came on.  I'm not sure what it is about that song, but it is one of the best songs to work out to.  It could be the driving beat, it could be the lyrics, probably a little bit of both.  But, whatever it is, it makes me work.  I just get in the zone and keep going.  For those 4 minutes and 29 seconds, I'm a machine.  I'm focused.  Stopping is not an option.  Today was probably the hardest I've worked in a long time.  Thanks Eminem!

Taking A Break

I've been a bit "off" lately.  I've been at the gym at least 5 days a week for the last several months.  But for the last few weeks, I've had some things going on in my head that have had me distracted.  I've been there physically, but my mind has been a bit preoccupied.  Nothing major, just some comments I've been getting that are starting to bother me.  Anyway, my trainer has picked up on it.  I thought I was doing a good job of covering it and working past it, but I guess not.

So, I've been told to take a break.  Not a long break, but a break.  He doesn't want to see me in the gym tomorrow.  He doesn't want me to think about the gym tomorrow.  Shopping, manicure, massage... all suggestions that he gave.  It's become such a habit for me that it's going to feel strange to not go to the gym on a Wednesday morning.  But, he's seeing something.  So, taking a day off to re-focus is (literally) just what the trainer ordered. I'll be back at in on Thursday.

On a side note, I did something yesterday that I should have done a long time ago.  I took a "before" picture.  Admittedly, being 30 pounds in doesn't exactly equal "before", but it's a start.  My 20 year class reunion is in 9 weeks.  So, I took a picture of myself in the dress that I'm going to wear.  I plan on taking a picture once a week until the day of the reunion and hopefully I'll see a difference! If I ever figure out how to post pictures on here, I'll be sure to share!

Out Of Control

I'm in a bit of a slump right now.  Maybe not a slump, but definitely at a frustrating plateau.  I'm stuck just short of the 30 pound mark.  But, I think I've figured out why... I'm now 1/2 pound away from the weight I was when I left Weight Watchers.  Right before I gained it all back.  So, I think I have a bit of a mental block with that particular number.

After a few weeks of frustration, I finally talked to my trainer about it.  (At the point I talked to him, I was actually 1 pound away...) Anyway, his first question, of course, was how was I eating.  I'm eating fairly well.  He wanted to know if I was writing things down.  I told him that I'm tracking it online.  So, the next question was "Can I take a look at it?"  My answer was "no".  I trust him to talk to him about a lot of stuff, but I'm still a little uneasy about laying it all out there to be judged.  I should add that my head knows that he won't judge me, but my ego isn't quite sure yet.  Luckily, he knows me well enough to know that this wasn't something that could be pushed, so he dropped it.  Since I was definitely frustrated, and quite frankly, pissed off, we headed to the punching bag so I could work off my anger.

Fast forward a few days and I mention that I'm still 1/2 pound away from 30 pounds.  I didn't understand why at first, but he asked me how often I was weighing myself.  I just said that I did it way more than I should.  So, between training sessions, my homework was to put my scale in the closet and not step on it until our next session.  It's only 3 days, but I have to tell you, it feels like
an eternity.

The thinking is that I'm driving myself crazy stepping on the scale as much as I do.  I know I shouldn't, but I do.   I want to see the change in the number.  Good or bad, I want to know exactly how I'm doing all the time.  If I'm up even 1/4 pound, I want to be able to fix it.  I need to know every morning that I'm still on track.  I need to be rewarded every morning for having a good day the day before.  And, he's right, I was driving myself absolutely crazy!  But, without my scale, I feel like I have no control.  I feel like if I wait a few days, I won't be able to "right the ship".  So, to compensate for having no idea where I am right now, I've been adding extra cardio to my workout.  I figure that since I don't know if I broke that 30 pound mark or not, I'm going to do some extra work to make sure I do.  Truth be told, that was probably part of his plan.

However, tomorrow is the day.  I'm pulling that bad boy out of my closet before I go to bed tonight, so I can hop on tomorrow morning to see how I've done.  But, from what I've learned about myself over the past few days, I think it's going right back in the closet after that!

Week In Review

I have really been slacking on my posts lately.  I do promise to try and be better about it!  Anyway, I'm down another pound this week and slowly but surely inching my way to the 30 pound mark.  I'm super excited!

I feel like I need to explain a little about why I'm not blogging nearly as much.  It's a good reason, actually.  This blog started out as a way for me to vent.  A way for me to share my struggles and work through them.  A way for me to vocalize the insecurities I was having.  However, I'm not going through that anymore.  I'm not blogging as much because, for the first time in my life, I get it.

I'm no longer focused on losing a certain amount, I am focused on being healthy.  I'm no longer focused on being thin, I'm focused on being fit and strong.  I'm no longer struggling with insecurities with my trainer.   I no longer stress about having a bad day.  I'm just in a really good place right now and I don't need to vent any more.  I'll still be writing here from time to time, but for now, it's kind of served its purpose.  It was a great tool for me in the beginning, but I'm just not the person I was in the beginning.  And for that, I'm super excited, too!

An Aha Moment

I've been seriously debating whether or not to continue this blog.  Not because I don't enjoy it, because I do.  But, because I know who is reading here.  I know that you're all my Facebook friends, so you pretty much read everything there.  But, then a moment like yesterday happened.  It's something that really hit me, but not something I really want to share on Facebook.  So, for that reason alone, I'm going to keep blogging.  With that, let me share my "Aha" moment...

Last night my husband finally told me that he noticed my weight loss.  He noticed that my body was starting to change.  However, it was what he said next that got me thinking.  He said "soon you're going to be the skinny girl you were before we had kids."  He was right and wrong.

Yes, soon I'll be smaller.  But, I'll never be "skinny" again.  The reason I was skinny was because all I did was lose weight.  I did nothing to build muscle.  This time around, I'm not just dropping weight, I'm building muscle and transforming my body.  So no, I'll never be that skinny girl again.  I'll be the muscular, fit one!

Week In Review

I've really been slacking on my blogging duties lately.  I'll start with the business at hand and let you know that I was down a pound last week.  I've officially signed up for the Team Pounds Pool at the gym, so I now have 3 other people that are counting on me to lose weight consistently for the next 8 weeks.  We'll see how that goes...

On another note, I have a confession.  I am in love with Pinterest.  More over, I'm in love with all the motivational things you can find on there.  I've found so many examples of things to strive for.  Whether it's workout related, food related, or just plain believing in myself, with every "pin" I make, I'm striving to be that type of person.  Slowly but surely, it's happening.

Week In Review

Sorry if I'm a little late on my week in review.  I've actually been sick.  My little one was nice enough to share strep throat with me.  So, as you can imagine, I haven't felt up to doing much.

That's a good transition into my 1.4 pound loss last week.  I'm sure it has less to do with how I ate and worked out and much more to do with my lack of desire to eat over the weekend.  Whatever the reason, a loss is a loss and I'll take it.

Starting this week, I'm in another pounds pool at the gym.  This time it's actually a team of 4.  So, I'll have to report my weight once a week, along with my team members.  This adds a lot more pressure for me as I don't want to let down the rest of my team.  Hopefully I'll have some good numbers to add to our total in
8 weeks. I hope everyone has a great week!

Taco Soup

It's been quite a while since I've shared a favorite recipe, so I thought I'd do it today.  This is, yet again, another Weight Watcher recipe that I absolutely love.  It's delicious and crazy, easy to make!

1 Can Black Beans
1 Can Chicken Broth
1 Can Fat Free Re-fried Beans
16 Oz. Jar Salsa
1 Can Corn
1 Small Can Chicken
Taco Seasoning (I use about a half a package, but use as much as you like to make it as spicy as you like!)

Combine all the ingredients in your pan and just heat!  I can't tell you the exact calories of a cup of soup, but I do know that it is 2 points on the old system, so it can't be much!  Enjoy!

Week In Review

I ended up gaining a pound this week. :-(  Not happy about it, but I'm over it.  I'm sure it's because I really was rotten about tracking my food.  Hopefully it will be a quick turn around and I'll be back down this week.

I feel like it's been a little while since I had a workout to write home about.  Well, today was one of them.  I always love when we leave the weight room and do something different.  Today we grabbed the boxing gloves and I hit the punching bag for a while.  We also grabbed a jump rope.  Something I haven't done in years!  I also got a break from the 70 pound kettle bell and just did good old, plain squats.  Those 3 activities, done one  after the other for 30 minutes.  Probably one of the best, most fun workouts I've had in a while!  I hope everyone has a great week!

Another Personal Best

We're still doing sprints in my rowing class.  Up until a couple weeks ago, my personal best time had been 1:44/500 meters.  Last week, I hit 1:40, and I felt like I hauled ass!  So, naturally, the next step is to break that time.  I wanted to hit 1:39.  Well, I didn't hit it yesterday.  I was really close, but couldn't quite get there.  I didn't hit it in the first 2 sprints today either.  But, I asked to do one more.  I was only 1 second off and it killed me.  So, I did another sprint.  And, I hit it!  1:39/500 meters.

Periodically I ask myself why I'm still blogging.  Some days I have something to say, but others I really don't.  However, today was the reason I'm still here.  I was able to go back and compare my personal best from a few months ago to see the progress I've made.  I could see, in black and white, in my own words, that my best today is 10 seconds faster than my best from a few months ago.  That's what will keep me going.

Invisible

As I do every Tuesday evening, I watched The Biggest Loser a couple days ago.  Like I've mentioned before, as much as I enjoy seeing the huge weight loss, I'm equally interested in the emotional hurdles they have to overcome.  This week's episode had a small segment about a contestant named Christine.

I had never really identified with her until this episode.  But, something she said just struck a nerve in me.  At one point she had locked herself in the bathroom, crying.  She wanted to go home because she couldn't do it any more.  That's not where I identified with her.  It was her conversation with her trainer, Bob, that hit home for me.  She had made a comment about spending the last 42 years being invisible.  She was comfortable with the walls she had built up and being invisible was comforting to her. However, through the coarse of her time on the ranch, her walls were being torn down by others.  She wasn't ready to let them down, but they came down nonetheless.

As someone who has struggled with weight for most of my life, I too was comfortable being invisible.  Meaning, if I have the choice to be in the front row or the back row, I'll choose the back.  In my classes at the gym, still, I choose the back row because the instructor can't see me as well.  Why?  I'm really not sure. I just feel "safer" that way.  If they can't see the effort I'm putting in, they can't be disappointed with what they're seeing.

But, when you're working with someone one on one, like a trainer, you can't blend in.  You can't choose the back row.  You don't have the option of being invisible. And, it's terrifying.  As I've discussed in earlier posts, the walls I had so nicely built up over the years, came crumbling down before my eyes.  The problem was... I wasn't ready for it.  If those walls had to come down, I wanted it to be in my time, with my rules.  But, it didn't work for me and it didn't work for Christine either. It's very scary.

However, it's necessary.  And looking back, I'm glad it happened for me.  Watching your walls crumble and allowing someone to focus on you can be a very scary thing.  But, once it's happened, what starts off as a breakdown quickly turns into a breakthrough.  I'm definitely rooting for her!

Stepping Back

I've been blessed with a lot of wonderful things in my life.  My knees are not one of them.  I've had knee problems since I was in 2nd or 3rd grade.  It never stopped me, but it sure has slowed me down.  I was the high school soccer player who constantly wore a knee brace.  The same goes for the intramural league I played in college.  Back in 2000 it all caught up to me and I had knee surgery.  The knee felt good for a long time.  And, when it didn't feel good, I modified what I was doing until it felt good again.  That's where I find myself lately.

I really enjoy my step class at the gym.  That's actually the first group class I took there.  I really like the instructor and have made some good friends in that class. My knee however, it's not as happy in that class.  The constant impact of the step has finally taken its toll.  I'm having shooting pains every time I step on the step.  So, I'm afraid it's time to stop stepping.

Luckily, there are lots of other things I can do that don't bother my knee at all... spinning, rowing, elliptical, walking the track. So, for the time being I'm going to become a permanent fixture in a lot more spinning classes.  Just like when I was a kid, this stupid knee might slow me down, but for now it's not stopping me!

Week In Review

Well, despite a rocky start, I ended up losing .4 pound this week.  Nothing to brag about, but I'll take it!  I was also thinking that it might be time to re-evaluate my goal.  When I started this blog, I had set my little graphic on the right to go to 37 pounds. I'm currently about 11 1/2 pounds from that goal.  But, I don't see me stopping in 11 1/2 pounds.  I don't know, maybe I will, but I doubt it.  I guess we'll wait and see.

Things this past week went pretty well.  I met with my trainer twice.  I ended the last session with planks.  Now, every time I'd ever done planks before, I did them on my elbows and my toes.  Pretty respectable, I thought.  But, not this week.  This week I did them up on my hands.  The jury is still out as to which one I prefer.  I also did side planks up on my hands.  I'm not sure how it looked, but I felt pretty strong doing them.  Actually, I should rephrase that.  I didn't feel strong as my arms were shaking like jell-o.  But I felt like I "looked" strong!

I also reached a new personal best in rowing.  I rowed 500 meters in 1:40.  My best before that had been 1:44, so I was pretty happy with that.  I've got a friend that's pressing me to hit 1:39, so I guess that's something to work towards.  I hope everyone else had a great week!

Crying

I'm typically not a crier.  I never have been.  For whatever reason, I tend to
hold it in. However, when it comes to watching other people go through huge weight loss transformations, I tear up.

It started back when I started watching The Biggest Loser.   There's something about watching another person go through the emotional and physical struggle, and seeing them come through strong.  I don't know these people personally, but I can so identify with what they're going through.  And I cry.

I cry because I want that.  I want that "light bulb" moment when I know I'll never go back to my old habits.  I want that huge revelation when I figure out why I gained weight in the first place.  I want to know that I've conquered all my demons.  I want that confidence.  I want to get to the point where I feel like I can do anything.  I want to believe in myself as much as others seem to believe in me. But, I'm not there yet. I'm working on it.  I'm looking forward to it.  I'm just not there yet.  So I cry.

Selfishly, the tears are for myself.  They're my personal little pity party.  And, I think it's alright.  I think that wanting something so much that it brings me to tears will make it all that much sweeter when I get there.

Backsliding

Well, that didn't last long.  I was all kinds of excited to finally hit another 5 pound milestone.  However, I'm finding that so far this week, my weight seems to be up a bit.  Blech! I know that small gains here and there are fine, but I still don't like when they happen.  Especially when I've just hit a milestone that I am so proud of.  Oh well, it is what it is and I'll keep trudging forward.

The Big 2-5

I did it!  I'm sure it had everything to do with being sick and not feeling like eating much.  But, I'm taking it none the less!  I am down 2.4 pounds this week to make it an even 25 pounds lost!  And, it feels great!

As I've mentioned many times, I've done this before.  I lost a lot more than that with Weight Watchers.  But, there's definitely a different feel to doing it on my own.  No shakes, no pills, no points.  Just good old fashioned hard work and making good food choices.  Bring on 30 pounds!

Getting Close

I'm starting to get really excited!

I'm getting close to another milestone.  I am only about a pound away from saying goodbye to 25 pounds!  I should add that I only update the slide on the right once a week, so you'll have to trust me on this! ;-)

Anyway, since I decided that I wasn't going to necessarily pick a "goal weight", I have been focusing on 5 pounds at a time.  I decided that with every 5 pounds, I'll see how I feel, how I look, and how much farther I want to go.  Now, I can tell you with 100% certainty that I won't be stopping at 25 pounds.  It's just a really exciting mark for me and I'm looking forward to getting there soon!

Just What I Thought

So, this morning with the trainer was pretty much what I thought it would be.  My body was jell-o half way through the workout.  I swear, I was doing this stuff on my own!  But, it never felt like this on my own.  Clearly, I work much better when I'm supervised!  I've got until Thursday for my muscles to calm down before I get to do it all over again!

Week In Review

This turned out to be a really good week!  I ended up being down .8 pounds.  But even better than that, I ended up losing 2.2 pounds in the Holiday Pounds Pool at the gym!

That 2.2 pounds is exciting for a couple reasons.  First, it means that I get my $10 back that it cost to join the pound pool!  But also, it's exciting because I had no idea how I was doing.  I had completely forgotten the weight that I weighed in at.  No idea.  Well, I take that back.  I had an idea where I was, but I was wrong.  In fact, when I weighed in on Friday morning, I was sure that I had maintained, which was still good.  But, it was a very pleasant surprise when she told me that I actually lost weight!

I'm also very excited because tomorrow is my first day back with my trainer since the first part of December.  Although I've been lifting weights the whole time, I expect that I'll get my butt kicked!  The work I put in on my own just doesn't compare to the work I put in when he's standing there.  I'm looking forward to getting back to it!  I hope you guys had a great week!

Strange Request

Alright, I've got a strange request that has absolutely nothing to do with weight loss and everything to do with curbing my curiosity.

I like to keep track of the hits I get on here to see if people are reading or not. However, the numbers I'm receiving aren't adding up at all.  It also appears that I've got quite a bit of traffic from what I can only assume is a spam site of some kind.  So, I'm going to ask a favor.

If you read this, will you please leave a small comment?  Nothing major, you can remain anonymous if you'd like.  I just really want to get an idea of how many people are actually reading and how many of the "hits" aren't really legitimate. Thanks. :-)

In keeping with the theme of the blog, I am happy to share that I am officially back with my trainer Monday morning.  As much as I tried to continue to lift weights on my own, it just isn't the same.  When I work by myself, I don't walk away from a workout feeling like my body is jell-o.  When I work with the trainer, I do.  I'm definitely looking forward to being pushed again.  I can't wait to see the results that will follow!

The Year In Review

Since it is January 2nd, 2012 (feels strange typing that!) I think it's fitting to turn my Week In Review into a Year In Review.  I can definitely say that 2011 brought ups and downs that I never expected.

To begin with, I thought I'd be done with my journey by now.  I started blogging in April or May I think, and I'm still not done.  I realize that losing weight takes time, but I am definitely going in slow mode.  However, over the course of the last year, I've learned to be o.k. with that.  I might be doing it slowly, but at least I'm doing it.

I started off being a food tracking fool, but I've kind of slacked at that over the last few weeks.  My food choices haven't been horrible, but it's definitely an area that I need to improve.  That being said, my food choices have definitely gotten better over the year.  Before I started blogging, it was pretty much a given that I would have one day of eating complete garbage, just to reward myself for a week of hard work.  However, over the course of the year, I haven't done that.  I haven't even wanted to do that.  To me, that marks some good progress in my thinking.

I guess the next big thing that happened over the last year was my new found dedication at the gym.  I was going about 3 days a week.  Now, I'm there 5 or 6 days a week.  The extra rowing classes offered have definitely made a difference in my attendance.  I also have been doing a little less of my Step class and a little more Spinning.  That's probably something that will carry over into this year.  I'm finding that Step is starting to  bother my knee a bit, so I might cut that down to once a week.

However, I think the biggest change this year was the addition of a trainer... and all that came along with that.  For starters, I worked myself harder, physically, than I ever have before.  I've seen muscles that I haven't seen  before.  I've gotten stronger and am able to do more now than I could when I started.  The mental stuff, that's what I didn't see coming...

I've had to address issues that I didn't want to address.  I've had to re-visit feelings that I didn't want to re-visit.  I've had to let my guard down when I didn't want to let it down.  I've had to step out of my comfort zone and trust someone else.  Now, since I haven't worked with him in a month, I haven't been dealing with any of this lately.  However, I'm starting my training again next week, so I imagine I'm not done dealing with this stuff.  Time will tell.

Overall, my journey over the last year has taught me a lot. I think I've come out of 2011 a lot stronger and more determined to finish what I started.  I've come out of 2011 realizing that putting up those walls didn't help me at all.  It was only after that wall came crashing down that I was able to start dealing with the reasons why it went up in the first place.  I still have a long way to go.  I still have more obstacles that are going to get in my way.  But, I'm ready.  Bring on 2012!